Monday, October 22, 2012

Allison Scissor Hands

A few months ago I saw a psychic (yes a psychic) that mentioned that I would feel the urge to pamper myself in the upcoming months and I shouldn't fight it because it was my inner child coming through.  I didn't tell her I had made hair and threading appointments just that morning, but I ran with it and went ahead and got a manicure on top of everything else!  With that said I realized I had let the whole pampering thing go by the way side, mostly due to laziness but also all that fanciness is quite expensive (as you well know) but when you're staring at your now uni brow and the bangs you have your shaky hands holding a pair of scissors to, enough is enough.  I decided to make an appointment for myself but also Audrey had been looking a little worse for wear. 

When I got Audrey, her hair was crazy. short on the underside and long, long, long on top.  So long in fact that my housemate Courtney has had many fun evenings braiding it!  She has a mohawk, super long white ear hair, and neck hair that grows up and out like she's wearing a fury Elizabethan collar.  My sister has been basically begging me to take her to a groomers since the day I got her but I just couldn't do it.  I had fears that she would be put in the awful cage and then start having flash backs to 'Nam and then hate me for the rest of her life.  She still hasn't trusted me fully since she got fixed.

So I decided having a culinary degree meant I could groom dogs. 

One quick trip to Pet Smart (they put the grooming sheers next to the adoption groups...cruel, cruel people) and I had a tear stained face and a new pair of trimming scissors.  Andrea volunteered to be my special assistant (aka she held the dog down) and I got to work.  I mimicked all the techniques I've seen in television and the movies and 10 minutes later, with only one nick (which I apologised profusely for), one bald spot, and one pleading from Andrea to stop trying to even out the fur on the back of her neck, she was done! And marvelous looking!  I kept the mohawk and long ear hair because like the beautiful idol she was named for who stood by little black dresses and large sunglasses, she needed her signature look.

                              You're mad at the camera! You're mad at the camera! Show it who's boss!

                     Stop trying to get my bald spot.  Show them where you cut me you evil woman!  Ooo! Chicken rice!

As for me, I left it all up to a professional.  Though she did admit that it was the most boring hair appointment I've had.  I'm always the one that suggests crazy cuts and colors but I kept it sleek and simple with a bob and no color.

                                     Anyone remember the pink and purple hair? Maybe next time...

Now with all this pampering business done, I am off to find recipes that involve Kale and Cauliflower.  Andrea has started a weight loss challenge at school and I have decided to be supportive with my cooking, seeing that most my meals involve potatoes or pasta of some sort, I don't want to be the reason she has to pay for any pounds she might gain.  Happy Monday y'all!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Tuesday Challenge

Raise your hand if you've had a crappy day.  I have both of mine raised.  You may be saying to yourself, 'But it's only Tuesday.'  Guess what? Tuesdays are my Mondays.  And I swear if I hear anyone say, 'Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!' I might just stab you through the computer. 

Anyway, back to what I was saying....crappy day goers I have something that will make it better.  It's a challenge.  The challenge is: Go hug a tree and think of all the good things you have in your life.

Ha! Just kidding. I mean, you can do that if you want. No your face.  Okay, okay, the real challenge is something I do quite often and it has proven quite effective in the raising of the spirits.  I call it: The Song Title Challenge.  What you do is use song titles to answer all questions that you're asked today.  I prefer to pick a decade or group but it's up to you.  If you're having trouble imagining this here's a sample:

Taco Bell Employee:  Welcome to Taco Bell! How are you today?
Me: Walking on sunshine, thanks!
Taco Bell Employee:  Great! What can we get for you today?
Me: One funky cold medina, please.
Taco Bell Employee: Huh?
Me:  Sorry Miss Jackson, let me clear my throat. One funky cold medina.
Taco Bell Employee:  I don't think we sell those.
Me:  I don't want no scrubs.
Taco Bell Employee:  Are...are you answering all my questions with songs? 
Me:  Should I stay or should I go?
Taco Bell Employee:  You should go. Far, far away.
Me:  So far away?
Taco Bell Employee: I'm calling security.

And that's when you should exit. Rapidly.

There, doesn't that sound fun? Now go do it! And report back with your epic tales. Oh and if you get arrested, I don't have bail money so try not to piss off the wrong people.  Toodles!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Why Thank You for Noticing I'm Sick Because I Look Like Crap

For the past 365 million days (actual time: 2 weeks) I've been sick.  And we're not talking about a little sniffle or tiredness, I'm talking about full on hacking up my lungs, laying in bed because the room is spinning, breaking my no vomit streak dozens of times over (record held at 7 years). In the past 3 months I have been sick more times than in the past 4 years and I attribute this to moving in with a 3rd grade teacher.  Yes people, your children are adorable, disease carrying petri dishes that have almost caused me to break down and purchase a Hazmat suit for every day wear (a string of pearls will top off the ensemble for clubbin'). 

So the following are a few tidbits for survival I have learned while having the plague:

1.  No matter how many times I wish it were true, pizza will never make nausea go away and never come back another day.

2.  Coupons for cold and flu remedies such as NyQuil and Robitussin are not as prevalent as I would like.  And I'm sure you're thinking, 'Even on her death bed she's concerned about saving a few cents on some cold medicine?' The answer is yes. Wait, let me say that again: YES.  Have you seen how much that crap costs??  And I had a coupon for $3 off!  I don't care if I'm standing in that aisle for 30 minutes reading and rereading the coupon's fine print because I just can't seem to focus, I'm getting a deal on that liquid gold.

3.  Audrey doesn't care. She doesn't care that I'm going through a million tissues because she loves to find them in my covers and will proceed to shred them.  She doesn't care that I launch her through the air every time my coughing causes me to sit up so I don't choke on my own phlem because she thinks it's a game and she'll come right back after EVERY TIME and re-sit on my chest (yes, my chest.) just to enjoy the ride once more.

4.  Lysol makes handy purse friendly sized canisters so I can literally spray anyone I come in contact with like they're entering a decontamination shower.

                          I took a picture of it with the pepper spray to emphasize my point to the germs that I mean business.

5.  When nursing a hacking cough that you're sure is pertussis, you should walk 3 dogs up a steep hill. When you lose hold on one of the leashes, your coughing (that has accompanied the screaming of the dog's name) will likely drown out the obscene language that follows the pleading to the canine.

6.  Having no health insurance will cause you to google 'Natural Home Remedies for Bronchitis'.  The results will fascinate and scare the shit out of you all at the same time!  Who knew that lubing your chest up with canola oil so that you can put a cloth coated in a paste of mustard powder, flour, and water on top of it, could cure respiratory problems? And I'm not saying that wouldn't work but it was on a 14 Home Remedies list that included simply: Rest. What am I? Rich?

7.  Keurig has an apple cider K-cup. 'Nuff said.

8.  You can actually cough up a lung AND last week's dinner.

9.  No matter how much I try, I can not teach Audrey to do my laundry.  How many times do I have to say it??  DELICATES SEPARATE FROM THE CHEF JACKETS. 

10.  Airborne is crap. CRAP. I have been loading up on the stuff for months and it may have been developed by a teacher who was sick and tired of getting sick and tired but I'm sick and tired of being lied to. For $4.99 a bottle. Douche.

And that concludes the life lessons learned by moi in the past 2 weeks.  Now if you'll excuse me I will chase my troubles away by downing some harvest cheddar Sun Chips and follow it with a shot of NyQuil and day dream about coughing on some unsuspecting healthy people.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Audrey Hepburn to the Rescue

On June 1 I adopted a sweet little, 3 year old dog from the animal shelter.  She was sick with a gnarly case of kennel cough and scared out of her mind to be in a loud place that was cold and unfamiliar.  She came in as a stray so no one knew her story, but once I saw her little face on the adoption site I just couldn't get her out of my mind. So with my sister's blessing (I was moving into her home after all) I got her out of that awful place and we took on the task of nursing this weak little 7 lb dog back to health. Upon doing so we discovered something else about her: SHE'S COMPLETELY CRAZY.  Her meekness was a total ploy to get out of Shawshank and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. 
She's a barker. Especially if one of the other dogs has something she wants.  She's a cuddlier. 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.  I think she runs off sucking the personal space off of people like a cuddly vampire.  If you put something in with her food she will rummage through it, throwing all the dog food onto the floor until she finds the addition like she's a 5 year old kid looking for the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.

Despite threatening to take her back numerous times, especially when she's trying to escape my bedroom for Andrea's by scratching the door and crying at midnight...when i have to be up at 3 for work...4 nights in a row...she's proven she can earn her keep.  Mostly in humor because she'll let me dress her in sweaters and spike her crazy hair.

                                                 You should see her Pink Ladies jacket

She has also proven to be a good nurse to those ailing around her.  I have had a horrible cough that causes me to sit up every couple of hours during the night so that I don't choke, and every time I sit up she's up too, putting her little paw on my back as if to tell me it's ok.  This morning my sister discovered she was sick and Audrey has barely left her side all day. I'm sure if I could put a tray on her little back she would gladly tote toast and water to Andrea on the couch.

                                                                            Hainzlee, if you distract her, I'll grab her toast. I'll totally share.

So long story short, my dog is awesome.  No matter how many times I want to wring her little neck for stealing laundry or for pulling the soles out of all the shoes she comes in contact with, I wouldn't trade her for the world.

                                                                                            No more talks, just rubs my belly woman.

So What If I High Five Myself?

Certain people have been suggesting that I do this blog thing for awhile. Why? Probably because my life can be so hysterically tragic. So until cameras start following me around to get this comedy gold, this blog will have to do. 

This blog will cover life according to me, baking talk, stories about my adorable dog Audrey Hepburn, and basically anything I friggin' want.  I'm sarcastic, watch too much TV, eat too many french fries, and (as the title states) awkward.  You should also assume that most of these words are being sung. Off key. With a little toe tap and head bob.  With all that said, I wish you a good day and many visits back...but not in a creepy way.

Lewis, out.