Soul Sisters

I'm constantly over powered by 2 dogs, both 10 pounds (wet).  They're like the sisters from 'The Shining' who beckon to you to come play with them.  You know you shouldn't do it.  Turn that Big Wheels around and peddle down the hall as fast as your little legs will carry you, but their cute faces take on an innocent glow and makes you feel bad about ever questioning their motives...and then they strike.  One will 'herd' me around by nipping at my heels while the other takes full advantage of  me trying to save said heels by jumping into my vegetable garden to eat mouthfuls of dirt just to piss me off. 

As you know, this is Audrey.

Did you say bacon?

I imagine everything Audrey says to me is in the bratty voice of an 11 year old.  She frequently tells me I'm not the boss of her, asks why do I hate her, asks when we're going to the mall, and demands to be told how pretty she is on the hour, every hour.  Her super powers are held in her Mohawk.  Until recently I was convinced she was eating the buds off of my rose bush and now she won't let me forget how I falsely accused her.  She karate chops me while we're sleeping.  She claims it's an accident.

This is Sophie. 

                                           What do you mean Vampire Diaries is off for the season?

You should imagine Sophie's voice as Rain Man.  I am convinced she was bred to look like a cross between Zach Galifianakis  and an Ewok.  She has to be in bed by 9 pm or she gets cranky.  She likes playing with her food, hunting unicorns, and chewing on cilantro (not necessarily in that order).  I'm pretty sure she put Metamucil on my grocery list.  Sophie is temporarily staying with us (shout out to Nikki) and has become best friends with Audrey.  They're weird soul sisters who spend most of their time just wandering through the house growling at the top of their lungs for absolutely no reason.  When they meet there's this weird stand off where they just lean again each other, daring each other to be the first to step away.  Like an odd game of Russian Roulette and trust falling.  Her bark can pierce sound barriers.

Sophie hates it when Audrey touches her.  It reminds me of when I was growing up and I would accidentally brush past my sister in the hallway and she would shove me into the wall screaming at me for touching her. (Ah, sisterly love.)  If Audrey walks past Sophie to get anywhere and touches her in the slightest way, Sophie growls, snaps, and moves away like Audrey smells of poo.  This entices Audrey to do it again.   And again.  And AGAIN. 

Today Audrey was under the covers and Sophie decided she was going to lay down on top of that weird lump.  The lump was Audrey's head.  Audrey growled, Sophie smiled and dug in deeper. 

Do I have a point to these stories?  Not really.  Just that these dogs are awesome.  Probably more awesome than you.  Definitely more awesome than me.  Now if you'll excuse me, the girls and I are off to loot some curbside drop offs. (like princesses)

  

I Smell A Rat...

Holy crap y'all.  This.  Day.  So there has been this on going battle with the dishwasher.  The first day I went to use it, a river of water came flooding out.  Yay... But I have a home warranty that covers it so all I had to do was call and be at the beck and call of these Sears repairmen for going on...2 and a half months now.  It was always the wrong part was ordered or they would show up while I was still at work or they couldn't fit me in until weeks later.  But today!  Today was the day!  That damn machine was going to be fixed. 

The best repairman showed up bright and early and got straight to work.  And so did I...  While he was doing his thing I pulled weeds, put that weed eater to work, and when I saw clouds rolling in I grabbed the mower and took care of the stupid grass too.  Then the news came...apparently I have a rat problem.  You read that right.  A RAT PROBLEM.  Those f-ers chewed on the new wires of the new motor to the washing machine that was installed a month ago.  He even showed me the way they were getting in.  It was a hole the size of a Barbie dream house.  Cut to me getting on the phone and demanding all the rat poison in the world.  Just kidding.  But I did ask mom to bring some steel wool and some poison for back up. 

Now I'm against using poison because of the domino effect.  You poison the rat, the rat gets out and a cat or dog or owl (sob) gets him, kills him.  Possibly eats him.  That poor unsuspecting animal is now poisoned.  So way to not only have the rat's death on my head, I now have to jump off the bridge from the guilt of the innocent bystander.  But seeing that the steel wool was barely plugging the hole, and Audrey can't bring herself to kill a spider, let alone a rat, the poison was really a 'If you make it through that wool, would you like a nice little treat?  I made it myself...in hell.' gesture.  Also, my mom screamed, 'OH MY GOD!' when she saw the hole.  Didn't anyone teach her to lie to her newly home owner (who's broke and can't afford an exterminator) daughter?  I mean really.

Speaking of mom, I have my garden all fancy and done because of her.  For a good two hours we turned over dirt, dug ditches, filtered out the glass we kept finding (I was convinced we were going to find a body when I found a t-shirt tag) and by the end of the day I had my seeds planted, my seedlings transplanted.  It's amazing.  (You also know how much she isn't surprised by me anymore when she was giving me a 'how to plant a seed' tutorial and she told me to make long furrow in the dirt, place the seeds in, and cover it up I said, 'Oh!  Like putting a baby in the momma garden's vagina!'  And without hesitation she said, 'Yes.  Exactly like that.'  Nailed it.) 

Soon we'll have kale, lettuce, chives, and pumpkins.  Hopefully.  Unless the rats get them.  Or die in the garden and then I eat the food and then I DIE!!!! Gulp.

This Is the Place Dreams Go For Slashing Prices

I did it.  I drank the Walmart Kool-Aid.  (hangs head in shame)  I blame my procrastination and my HATE of waiting and not being able to multi task.  I've been putting off getting my oil changed for...let's just say, 'awhile' and that's 99% because I hate to take my car in for an oil change to a place and wait for HOURS.  I would normally just take my car over while at work and pick it up when I get off but work has been so absolutely insane that we're lucky to pee, let alone get 30 minutes to run an errand, so here I was.  At a cross roads.  Those cross roads were 'This Is Getting Ridiculous' street and 'Your Morals Aren't THAT Important' lane.  So today I was pondering where I could go that would give me the opportunity to get my oil changed and let me get flowers and such for my flower boxes that are empty but I need fill to give the illusion (to the dogs) that you can't walk over them to get out of the yard?  One word: Walmart. 

I haven't been to Walmart in months.  I only go when the situation is so dire I almost have no other choice.  The crowds, the lack of lanes open, the history of discriminating against women, minorities, gay people on their payroll (or off their payroll) and my very favorite: the dead peasant insurance policy (Google it.  It's a thing.) are the reasons I loathe that place.  But the number one on the list?  THEY DON'T DOUBLE COUPONS.  What's up with that?  I mean, I know Target doesn't either but they at least have their own coupons that you can stack with manufacturer's coupons.  And awesome clothing coupons...and now a Starbucks...SNAP OUT OF IT LEWIS!  YOU COULDN'T GO TO TARGET BECAUSE THEY WON'T CHANGE YOUR OIL, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU PUT THAT IN THEIR SUGGESTION BOX. GET OVER IT.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I need a dirty chai latte.  No.  No, that wasn't it....oh yeah!  So I pull into Walmart and I'm all like, it's going to be 5 hour wait, and I'm going to fall asleep in the waiting area with flowers covering me while I use the potting soil bag as a pillow.  But there's no line.  In fact, I get to pull right up to the bay with no waiting.  They're just trying to butter me up.  Then I get into the store that I plan to spend the rest of my day in, while I wait on my car.  Another reason why I hate this place?  This is my mind while I'm in the store:

 'Ok, I need flowers.  And soil.  Garden center it is.  OH! I need clothes pins.  And face cream.  $5 movies?! FOCUS ALLISON! GET TO THE GARDEN CENTER.  There it is...oh! I need a hose!  I'VE GOT HOSE, I'VE GOT HOSE...IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES, AREA CO-Ack.  Too expensive. Rakes! $5??  Yessss....  Pretty flowers.  Where are your price tags?  They must have rolled waaaayyyy back.  To free.  OOOOO...you're pretty.  So are you.  How do I choose?  Duck, duck...F-it.  I'm getting you all.  Do I smell hot dogs?  Mmmm...hot dogs.  I would kill for a dirty chai latte.  Those flowers were only $2.95??  Why didn't I get more?'

And so on, and so on...At this point I decided that I was done but only 30 minutes had elapsed.  GREAT.  *sigh*  Might as well go get my wait on.  And yes, I got lost trying to find the car center and yes, I ended up face to face with bows and arrows and rifles.  *GULP*  I finally found the car center, and just as expected, the guy that was waiting before me was still waiting.  But I don't see my car...Where is my car?!?!  IT'S BEEN STOLEN!!!  I LEFT MY LOWE'S COUPONS IN THERE!  THE THIEVES WILL NOW BE ABLE TO GET 10% OFF THEIR ENTIRE PURCHASE!  No wait, there it is.  In the lot.  Apparently it's done and all I have to do is pay.  This is a trick...isn't it?  Wait.  What's that hanging from my steering wheel?  A free diagnostic of my car battery?  But I didn't say I wanted that!  Maybe I don't want to know that my battery is in good shape and I shouldn't worry about replacing it anytime soon! 

Sneaky bastards.

So yeah, now Ruby's oil is clean and new, and my flower boxes are no longer empty, and my entire trip only took 30 minutes.  But I'm not happy about it.

Home, Home on the...Whitney Street...

Hi y'all!  It's been awhile...I know.  I haven't just been sitting idly by though, so I have lots to catch you up on.  I don't really know where to begin, so I'll just pick and place and start rambling. 

So we're (Audrey and myself) officially moved into our home and the week before we started getting busy with painting.  When I first showed pictures of the house to my boss, she made a comment about how I wouldn't be able to live with the kitchen floors.  They were/are awful but something I could live with for awhile.  What I needed to change immediately though were the cabinets.

yikes.

See what I mean?  They were wood adjacent with chrome fixtures.  I think I had the same cabinets in my studio apartment on Virginia Street.  So with some knowledge I had absorbed from the nice kid at Lowes and lots of help from my very loyal friend Nikki and my sister Andrea, we got that shit done in a week.

 

Yes, the refrigerator is pink and has chalk board doors now.  What of it?

 

 

 

I wanted the kitchen to make a statement.  That statement is, 'I have a uterus.'

 

 

 

Mission accomplished! Woo!  Now my second project was the yard...it is where weeds go to mate.  One of the things I'm most excited about having a house is being able to have a flower and vegetable garden, and I could already see where somewhere down the line there had been a garden in the back yard but do to neglect the yard had reclaimed it as it's own.  Having this entire weekend off I decided it was time to get a couple garden tools, plug in the iPod, and get to work.  Keep in mind all I have to work with is a small gardening shovel, a claw like handle tool that I got at the hardware store, and my bare hands. Easy peasy, right?  Ha!  After 2 hours, I had barely chipped the surface and I'm sure my neighbors were sick of hearing my rendition of  'Wannabe' and seeing my ass in the air.  Cut to borrowing a pick axe, hoe hybrid like tool from my mom and a few hours later I had my garden cut out. (That Xena call you heard echoing through the neighbor hood was not me.  I swear.)  It's far from done but it's an incredible start.  I can grow gummy bears, right?

 

THINGS I'VE LEARNED SINCE MOVING INTO MY OWN HOME

 

• There is a way around having to sand down your cabinets before painting them.  It's called 'bonding primer' and it's my new boyfriend.  For $20, you can't beat it.
• It will take you twice as long to put the cabinet doors back on than it took to take them down.  Resist the urge to kick them.  You just spent 3 days painting them.
• Paint in your hair is the new highlights.
• You will swear you are never moving again unless you become filthy rich so that you can hire movers.  Put that in writing, people.
• Your second home will be Lowes.  Brush your hair for the cute contractors.
• You only really need to like one of your neighbors...
• I am too sensitive.  I realized this while I was over turning dirt and finding a number of Grubs (and yes, I only know what they were because of my vast knowledge of The Lion King) and worried that I was separating them from their family.  Seriously.

I've never been so dirty, sweaty, exhausted...and I love it.  Welcome home to me. :o)

 

Audrey thinks it's alright.

 

 

   

It's Not a Brick...House. But She is Mighty Mighty.

We've arrived!!!! Pictures of the new house will be posted at a later date.  Until then, here is a video of Audrey already hiding the family heirlooms.

It Was All But a Dream...

So things with the house haven't progressed at all and we've passed the 60 day mark, rounding the 90 day mark.  I know.  I KNOW.  It's taking everything in me not to have a mental break down or scream or cry.  And what do we do when we're stressed out?  Nap.  At least I do.  Did my nap today give my brain a break from the crazy life that comes with purchasing a home?  NOPE!  Thanks, ya jerk.  What it did was give me a home buying nightmare (are we sensing a theme?).  It was awful.  And I woke up praying it wasn't real.  Want to hear about it?  OKAY!  The following is what I can remember:

The house was in a mall.  There were no doors to the house whatsoever and all the walls were translucent plexi half walls.  There was a waterfall in the living room and 3 indoor pools (all surrounded by carpet! Yikes!) in the home.  Did I mention there was no kitchen?  Did I also mention it was in a busy mall and I was fighting back the crowds from entering my newly purchased home while screaming, 'WHERE DO I BUY DOORS?!' ?? Did I forget to mention Britney Spears was also there?  The sad part, the biggest thing that terrified me was the thought of having to pay that water bill.  My dream self was asking how to turn off the waterfall and the seller told me, 'Oh!  You don't want to turn that off.  It drowns out the mall noise.' 

And hopefully it will also drown out the screaming regret of buying the house that was in a mall.




P.S.- (Whispering) Pssst!  Guess what.  I have a date this Saturday.  I know, I just peed a little too.  Fingers crossed that it all goes well...also, he's the outdoorsy, super athlete type so that previous blog about me being totally against outdoor life is between us.  Also, I'll keep you posted.  Also, if he's reading this, we're talking about puppies.  I have a date with puppies.  Because that wouldn't be weird.

I Shot Cupid (A Dirty Look)

UPDATES! UPDATES! UPDATES!

A few more tidbits on how to be less creepy on a dating site (Continued):

Be a gentleman.  Remember that rule?  An oldie but a goodie.  You should know it's always good manners to open doors, pull out chairs, wait out side the restaurant for your date so she doesn't look like an ass craning her neck while she tries to remember what your profile picture looks like...and not posting on your profile that you expect certain types of sex.  I understand that sex is part of a healthy relationship and I understand that you're just being honest.  I can appreciate that.  You should appreciate my honesty in return: in no way does this make me say, 'Hey! Let's date!'  It makes me think, 'You're a rude prick.'  Can't things evolve?  Do we have to automatically be thrown into the deep end of the pool?  It's 2013.  We're in the modern age and I'm a modern woman.  This does not mean that romance and allure should be dead and I'm not going to accept any different. (And then she slammed the door!)

You have kids.  Admit it.     Okay, so I'm looking for a unicorn.  That unicorn is a male past the age of 29 with no biological children attached.  I love kids.  I want kids.  But I'm not looking to step into a step monster role right away. (I am now singing 'Simple Kind of Life' in my head.)  With that said, I have specified on my profile that I'd like the 'baby filter'.  (Totally made that up.  Not really called that.  No hate mail please.)  You sneaky snakes have found a way around it though!  I have been matched recently with men who have their profile pictures with babies (suspect but not a smoking gun), it says they have no children, but when you scan down to what they're 'Thankful For' they list their CHILDREN. (AHA!)  Dude.  Please.  Just check that box.  It'll save you time AND (more importantly) me time.  But your babies are beautiful, congratulations on...that.  And stuff.

Okay, that's all I got.  I'll leave you with the song that's blaring in my head...