Why Thank You for Noticing I'm Sick Because I Look Like Crap

For the past 365 million days (actual time: 2 weeks) I've been sick.  And we're not talking about a little sniffle or tiredness, I'm talking about full on hacking up my lungs, laying in bed because the room is spinning, breaking my no vomit streak dozens of times over (record held at 7 years). In the past 3 months I have been sick more times than in the past 4 years and I attribute this to moving in with a 3rd grade teacher.  Yes people, your children are adorable, disease carrying petri dishes that have almost caused me to break down and purchase a Hazmat suit for every day wear (a string of pearls will top off the ensemble for clubbin'). 

So the following are a few tidbits for survival I have learned while having the plague:

1.  No matter how many times I wish it were true, pizza will never make nausea go away and never come back another day.

2.  Coupons for cold and flu remedies such as NyQuil and Robitussin are not as prevalent as I would like.  And I'm sure you're thinking, 'Even on her death bed she's concerned about saving a few cents on some cold medicine?' The answer is yes. Wait, let me say that again: YES.  Have you seen how much that crap costs??  And I had a coupon for $3 off!  I don't care if I'm standing in that aisle for 30 minutes reading and rereading the coupon's fine print because I just can't seem to focus, I'm getting a deal on that liquid gold.

3.  Audrey doesn't care. She doesn't care that I'm going through a million tissues because she loves to find them in my covers and will proceed to shred them.  She doesn't care that I launch her through the air every time my coughing causes me to sit up so I don't choke on my own phlem because she thinks it's a game and she'll come right back after EVERY TIME and re-sit on my chest (yes, my chest.) just to enjoy the ride once more.

4.  Lysol makes handy purse friendly sized canisters so I can literally spray anyone I come in contact with like they're entering a decontamination shower.

                         
                          I took a picture of it with the pepper spray to emphasize my point to the germs that I mean business.


5.  When nursing a hacking cough that you're sure is pertussis, you should walk 3 dogs up a steep hill. When you lose hold on one of the leashes, your coughing (that has accompanied the screaming of the dog's name) will likely drown out the obscene language that follows the pleading to the canine.

6.  Having no health insurance will cause you to google 'Natural Home Remedies for Bronchitis'.  The results will fascinate and scare the shit out of you all at the same time!  Who knew that lubing your chest up with canola oil so that you can put a cloth coated in a paste of mustard powder, flour, and water on top of it, could cure respiratory problems? And I'm not saying that wouldn't work but it was on a 14 Home Remedies list that included simply: Rest. What am I? Rich?

7.  Keurig has an apple cider K-cup. 'Nuff said.

8.  You can actually cough up a lung AND last week's dinner.

9.  No matter how much I try, I can not teach Audrey to do my laundry.  How many times do I have to say it??  DELICATES SEPARATE FROM THE CHEF JACKETS. 

10.  Airborne is crap. CRAP. I have been loading up on the stuff for months and it may have been developed by a teacher who was sick and tired of getting sick and tired but I'm sick and tired of being lied to. For $4.99 a bottle. Douche.

And that concludes the life lessons learned by moi in the past 2 weeks.  Now if you'll excuse me I will chase my troubles away by downing some harvest cheddar Sun Chips and follow it with a shot of NyQuil and day dream about coughing on some unsuspecting healthy people.