Does This House Come in Pink?

I have some terrible news.  I...am a grown up.  I know.  It came as a shock to me too.  The exact moment that it happened was when I decided to buy a house.  And then I did.  And like all grown up things, buying a house sucks.  My new mantra is that getting a marriage license should be as difficult as buying a house.  That makes me sound like I'm against marriage.  Which I'm not, I just think some people rush into it and then are surprised when they're divorced 2 years later.  And how easy is it to get a marriage license?  Like, $45 and a couple signatures?  Pssh.  You should have to do that AND pass an agility course.  With flaming rings to jump through.  While singing The Star Spangled Banner.  Backwards.  That's love people. 



I literally googled 'Flaming Hoop Jumping' to get this picture

                                          
Back to what I was saying: buying a house is hard and stressful and it's amazing what you learn along the way.  For example, I have learned that some house sellers are douche holes who's goals are not really to sell their house but to give you gray hair and then hit on you.  It's like kindergarten all over again.  And I won't name any names but if anyone is buying a home in Cross Lanes, shoot me an email with the address to see if I need to warn you, because I'm nice like that and would like to save you time and $450 on an inspection. 

I have learned that if you're a single lady looking to purchase a home, people who don't know you might wonder if you're a lesbian.  They can't just come out and ask it of course but their eye flares when asking seemingly innocent questions give it away.  "The second bedroom might be small but it's not like you're planning to use it right away, (eye flare) so you can cross that bridge once you come to it.  It IS just YOU moving in...right? (eye flare)  And that banister would be an easy fix for you or your...(eye flare) handy man.  Do you wear flannel shirts often?"  Okay the flannel shirt statement didn't happen but the rest of the sentence is accurate.  In 30 seconds they pointed out that I don't have any children, I am buying a house by myself, and that I'll either be butch enough to fix stuff or I'll have my girlfriend do it.  Some people might laugh and explain that there is not man in their life right now, but it doesn't really matter because they can fix things themselves.  How do I approach it?  By remaining silent and evading questions that would give any answers on the lesbian front because A.  it's none of their business if I'm straight or not, I'm still buying the damn house so who really gives a crap. and B.  because it's fun to watch nosey people squirm.


                                  
                                        I bet Beyonce doesn't have these problems.


I have learned that the bank lady might will judge you on your countless McDonald's purchases while she reads your past bank statements.  After a long enough pause you might be tempted to say, "But crack is so expensive these days."  or  "Do you really need that statement to see how much McDonald's I've been eating?  Come on.  This body wasn't gotten by yoga."  or possibly resort to a Chris Farley impersonation: "LAY OFF ME! I'M HUNGRY!!!"  But don't say those things because honestly you've brought the silent judging on yourself.  From now on just vow to only pay for those delicious meals in cash.

My fun house buying learning is far from over.  It's only in the beginning stages and I'm sure I'll have much more to add to the ever growing list that a home buying education is giving me but I'm in a holding pattern; waiting for things that are now out of my control.  Until then I will be blowing up Pinterest for DIY techniques, which let's face it, is much less annoying than women you follow that don't have a boyfriend but have 3 boards devoted to their wedding ideas.  And I will also be attending free classes at the ReStore to learn nifty things like how to install a ceiling fan and how to make sure the wiring in your home won't kill you.  Because as my best friend just pointed out, 'You sound pretty sexy when you're talking about construction.'