Tuesday, October 29, 2013

I Hold These Truths To Be Self-Evident.

There comes a time in your life when you realize you know a lot.  That time for me is the age of 29.  Now, I'm under no illusion that knowing a lot means knowing everything.  I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. (Yet.  I suspect that will come at the age of 30.) But knowledge is power and I thought I should share this wisdom with all of my 3, possibly 4 readers, so we can all be superior beings.  Ready?  Okay!

Truth:  At some point in your bathroom you will run out of everything all at once.  The shampoo is on it's last leg, the conditioner is the only thing you have half full (and the only thing new that you have in your closet), you've been banging your lotion bottle on the sink for 3 days now and running your finger along the inside to snatch any spare droplet, and your deodorant's plastic casing is scraping your arm pit.  It's like they planned it.

Truth:  Saving money makes you cool.  Coupons make you cool.  Having manufacturer coupons, store coupons, digital coupons, and a discount app that you can use on all the same transaction will piss people off.  But you'll look cool doing it.

Truth:  High school never ends.  People always say, 'Just get through it!  It may be hell but you will never have to deal with that crap again.'  This is a lie told by people who have repressed their high school memories or were the prom queen/king. The actual going to high school may end, you can cut out the crazy bitches that made you hate high school, but you'll just trade these people in for new faces that you'll have to work with every day.  For the rest of your life.  High school is for learning how to politely and professionally tell these whiney cry babies to shove it.  (Or in the very least, where not to have your cubicle.)  But it gets better.  Life gets better.  Mostly because you will soon get to drown those sorrows in booze.

Truth:  I know there are times and events I was a part of, but can literally not remember a damn thing about what actually happened.  This is a gift from your brain.  Do not try to unrepress that repressed memory.  There is a reason it's in a dark corner.  Leave it alone.

Truth:  Bedside tables are used to hold the things you need the most and can easily have access too.  That is unless you have dogs.  The best thing on my bedside table is the lamp that is rarely turned on.  It can hold the things the dogs will go for the most and the things I cherish.  Like the laptop...or my Taco Bell lunch.

Exhibit A

Truth:  If you don't expect someone to change for you, you shouldn't be expected to change for them.  If you don't like hiking, say you don't like hiking.  It's not the deal breaker.  And if it is, then it's YOUR deal breaker.
Truth:  A party dip bowl is not restricted to party dip.  It can be used as a candy bowl.
The middle bowl is for your trash.
Truth:  I am most proud of the last discovery.

And now I open the floor for your truths!  Mostly because I want all the knowledge.