Monday, April 29, 2013

This Is the Place Dreams Go For Slashing Prices

I did it.  I drank the Walmart Kool-Aid.  (hangs head in shame)  I blame my procrastination and my HATE of waiting and not being able to multi task.  I've been putting off getting my oil changed for...let's just say, 'awhile' and that's 99% because I hate to take my car in for an oil change to a place and wait for HOURS.  I would normally just take my car over while at work and pick it up when I get off but work has been so absolutely insane that we're lucky to pee, let alone get 30 minutes to run an errand, so here I was.  At a cross roads.  Those cross roads were 'This Is Getting Ridiculous' street and 'Your Morals Aren't THAT Important' lane.  So today I was pondering where I could go that would give me the opportunity to get my oil changed and let me get flowers and such for my flower boxes that are empty but I need fill to give the illusion (to the dogs) that you can't walk over them to get out of the yard?  One word: Walmart. 

I haven't been to Walmart in months.  I only go when the situation is so dire I almost have no other choice.  The crowds, the lack of lanes open, the history of discriminating against women, minorities, gay people on their payroll (or off their payroll) and my very favorite: the dead peasant insurance policy (Google it.  It's a thing.) are the reasons I loathe that place.  But the number one on the list?  THEY DON'T DOUBLE COUPONS.  What's up with that?  I mean, I know Target doesn't either but they at least have their own coupons that you can stack with manufacturer's coupons.  And awesome clothing coupons...and now a Starbucks...SNAP OUT OF IT LEWIS!  YOU COULDN'T GO TO TARGET BECAUSE THEY WON'T CHANGE YOUR OIL, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU PUT THAT IN THEIR SUGGESTION BOX. GET OVER IT.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I need a dirty chai latte.  No.  No, that wasn't it....oh yeah!  So I pull into Walmart and I'm all like, it's going to be 5 hour wait, and I'm going to fall asleep in the waiting area with flowers covering me while I use the potting soil bag as a pillow.  But there's no line.  In fact, I get to pull right up to the bay with no waiting.  They're just trying to butter me up.  Then I get into the store that I plan to spend the rest of my day in, while I wait on my car.  Another reason why I hate this place?  This is my mind while I'm in the store:

 'Ok, I need flowers.  And soil.  Garden center it is.  OH! I need clothes pins.  And face cream.  $5 movies?! FOCUS ALLISON! GET TO THE GARDEN CENTER.  There it is...oh! I need a hose!  I'VE GOT HOSE, I'VE GOT HOSE...IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES, AREA CO-Ack.  Too expensive. Rakes! $5??  Yessss....  Pretty flowers.  Where are your price tags?  They must have rolled waaaayyyy back.  To free.'re pretty.  So are you.  How do I choose?  Duck, duck...F-it.  I'm getting you all.  Do I smell hot dogs? dogs.  I would kill for a dirty chai latte.  Those flowers were only $2.95??  Why didn't I get more?'

And so on, and so on...At this point I decided that I was done but only 30 minutes had elapsed.  GREAT.  *sigh*  Might as well go get my wait on.  And yes, I got lost trying to find the car center and yes, I ended up face to face with bows and arrows and rifles.  *GULP*  I finally found the car center, and just as expected, the guy that was waiting before me was still waiting.  But I don't see my car...Where is my car?!?!  IT'S BEEN STOLEN!!!  I LEFT MY LOWE'S COUPONS IN THERE!  THE THIEVES WILL NOW BE ABLE TO GET 10% OFF THEIR ENTIRE PURCHASE!  No wait, there it is.  In the lot.  Apparently it's done and all I have to do is pay.  This is a trick...isn't it?  Wait.  What's that hanging from my steering wheel?  A free diagnostic of my car battery?  But I didn't say I wanted that!  Maybe I don't want to know that my battery is in good shape and I shouldn't worry about replacing it anytime soon! 

Sneaky bastards.

So yeah, now Ruby's oil is clean and new, and my flower boxes are no longer empty, and my entire trip only took 30 minutes.  But I'm not happy about it.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Home, Home on the...Whitney Street...

Hi y'all!  It's been awhile...I know.  I haven't just been sitting idly by though, so I have lots to catch you up on.  I don't really know where to begin, so I'll just pick and place and start rambling. 

So we're (Audrey and myself) officially moved into our home and the week before we started getting busy with painting.  When I first showed pictures of the house to my boss, she made a comment about how I wouldn't be able to live with the kitchen floors.  They were/are awful but something I could live with for awhile.  What I needed to change immediately though were the cabinets.


See what I mean?  They were wood adjacent with chrome fixtures.  I think I had the same cabinets in my studio apartment on Virginia Street.  So with some knowledge I had absorbed from the nice kid at Lowes and lots of help from my very loyal friend Nikki and my sister Andrea, we got that shit done in a week.

Yes, the refrigerator is pink and has chalk board doors now.  What of it?
I wanted the kitchen to make a statement.  That statement is, 'I have a uterus.'
Mission accomplished! Woo!  Now my second project was the is where weeds go to mate.  One of the things I'm most excited about having a house is being able to have a flower and vegetable garden, and I could already see where somewhere down the line there had been a garden in the back yard but do to neglect the yard had reclaimed it as it's own.  Having this entire weekend off I decided it was time to get a couple garden tools, plug in the iPod, and get to work.  Keep in mind all I have to work with is a small gardening shovel, a claw like handle tool that I got at the hardware store, and my bare hands. Easy peasy, right?  Ha!  After 2 hours, I had barely chipped the surface and I'm sure my neighbors were sick of hearing my rendition of  'Wannabe' and seeing my ass in the air.  Cut to borrowing a pick axe, hoe hybrid like tool from my mom and a few hours later I had my garden cut out. (That Xena call you heard echoing through the neighbor hood was not me.  I swear.)  It's far from done but it's an incredible start.  I can grow gummy bears, right?
  • There is a way around having to sand down your cabinets before painting them.  It's called 'bonding primer' and it's my new boyfriend.  For $20, you can't beat it.
  • It will take you twice as long to put the cabinet doors back on than it took to take them down.  Resist the urge to kick them.  You just spent 3 days painting them.
  • Paint in your hair is the new highlights.
  • You will swear you are never moving again unless you become filthy rich so that you can hire movers.  Put that in writing, people.
  • Your second home will be Lowes.  Brush your hair for the cute contractors.
  • You only really need to like one of your neighbors...
  • I am too sensitive.  I realized this while I was over turning dirt and finding a number of Grubs (and yes, I only know what they were because of my vast knowledge of The Lion King) and worried that I was separating them from their family.  Seriously.
I've never been so dirty, sweaty, exhausted...and I love it.  Welcome home to me. :o)
Audrey thinks it's alright.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

It's Not a Brick...House. But She is Mighty Mighty.

We've arrived!!!! Pictures of the new house will be posted at a later date.  Until then, here is a video of Audrey already hiding the family heirlooms.