Monday, April 29, 2013

This Is the Place Dreams Go For Slashing Prices

I did it.  I drank the Walmart Kool-Aid.  (hangs head in shame)  I blame my procrastination and my HATE of waiting and not being able to multi task.  I've been putting off getting my oil changed for...let's just say, 'awhile' and that's 99% because I hate to take my car in for an oil change to a place and wait for HOURS.  I would normally just take my car over while at work and pick it up when I get off but work has been so absolutely insane that we're lucky to pee, let alone get 30 minutes to run an errand, so here I was.  At a cross roads.  Those cross roads were 'This Is Getting Ridiculous' street and 'Your Morals Aren't THAT Important' lane.  So today I was pondering where I could go that would give me the opportunity to get my oil changed and let me get flowers and such for my flower boxes that are empty but I need fill to give the illusion (to the dogs) that you can't walk over them to get out of the yard?  One word: Walmart. 

I haven't been to Walmart in months.  I only go when the situation is so dire I almost have no other choice.  The crowds, the lack of lanes open, the history of discriminating against women, minorities, gay people on their payroll (or off their payroll) and my very favorite: the dead peasant insurance policy (Google it.  It's a thing.) are the reasons I loathe that place.  But the number one on the list?  THEY DON'T DOUBLE COUPONS.  What's up with that?  I mean, I know Target doesn't either but they at least have their own coupons that you can stack with manufacturer's coupons.  And awesome clothing coupons...and now a Starbucks...SNAP OUT OF IT LEWIS!  YOU COULDN'T GO TO TARGET BECAUSE THEY WON'T CHANGE YOUR OIL, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU PUT THAT IN THEIR SUGGESTION BOX. GET OVER IT.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I need a dirty chai latte.  No.  No, that wasn't it....oh yeah!  So I pull into Walmart and I'm all like, it's going to be 5 hour wait, and I'm going to fall asleep in the waiting area with flowers covering me while I use the potting soil bag as a pillow.  But there's no line.  In fact, I get to pull right up to the bay with no waiting.  They're just trying to butter me up.  Then I get into the store that I plan to spend the rest of my day in, while I wait on my car.  Another reason why I hate this place?  This is my mind while I'm in the store:

 'Ok, I need flowers.  And soil.  Garden center it is.  OH! I need clothes pins.  And face cream.  $5 movies?! FOCUS ALLISON! GET TO THE GARDEN CENTER.  There it is...oh! I need a hose!  I'VE GOT HOSE, I'VE GOT HOSE...IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES, AREA CO-Ack.  Too expensive. Rakes! $5??  Yessss....  Pretty flowers.  Where are your price tags?  They must have rolled waaaayyyy back.  To free.'re pretty.  So are you.  How do I choose?  Duck, duck...F-it.  I'm getting you all.  Do I smell hot dogs? dogs.  I would kill for a dirty chai latte.  Those flowers were only $2.95??  Why didn't I get more?'

And so on, and so on...At this point I decided that I was done but only 30 minutes had elapsed.  GREAT.  *sigh*  Might as well go get my wait on.  And yes, I got lost trying to find the car center and yes, I ended up face to face with bows and arrows and rifles.  *GULP*  I finally found the car center, and just as expected, the guy that was waiting before me was still waiting.  But I don't see my car...Where is my car?!?!  IT'S BEEN STOLEN!!!  I LEFT MY LOWE'S COUPONS IN THERE!  THE THIEVES WILL NOW BE ABLE TO GET 10% OFF THEIR ENTIRE PURCHASE!  No wait, there it is.  In the lot.  Apparently it's done and all I have to do is pay.  This is a trick...isn't it?  Wait.  What's that hanging from my steering wheel?  A free diagnostic of my car battery?  But I didn't say I wanted that!  Maybe I don't want to know that my battery is in good shape and I shouldn't worry about replacing it anytime soon! 

Sneaky bastards.

So yeah, now Ruby's oil is clean and new, and my flower boxes are no longer empty, and my entire trip only took 30 minutes.  But I'm not happy about it.

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