Friday, November 23, 2012

Katniss is My Home Girl.

So I could use this blog to talk about the hell week I've had in the bakery due to Thanksgiving.  But I'd rather not rehash that insanity.  Or I could talk about my love life (or the lack there of) but that's just depressing.  And watching Big Rich Texas all day is making me want to reevaluate my life.  (Unless you watch it and then let's talk!  Oh my God, it's awesome!  Bonnie needs to be my best friend.)  Since I couldn't decide what to do I put everything in a mental bag, shook it like a Polaroid picture and pulled out.....THE HUNGER GAMES!!  Was that not obvious to you?  Weird.  We may not be that close.  Any hoo, anyone who knows me, knows I love The Hunger Games.  I even have a key chain, y'all.  But don't call me obsessed.  I think that's a lazy word, like spork or Bennifer.  I prefer 'dedicated'.  I'll admit, I was late to get into the series mostly because they're geared towards 'young adults' (although I fit that description, right? RIGHT?!)  I didn't hear about them until I saw a movie trailer and thought it looked entertaining.  Then Annie got the books before I did (electronically that is so she couldn't send me the books)  and loved them.  So on a shopping trip I stopped at a book store and saw the first book and thought, 'Hey, I have 2 other books started but the movie isn't for a couple of months so I have plenty of time to lazily read this.  No big deal.'

** Side note:  These books should have a huge disclaimer on them that warns 'This shit will ruin your life.  For the better.  Just thought you should know and stuff.  Also, high five for being awesome. **

Hello, lover.
Cut to 4 pm the next day and I'm salivating for the next book.  Did I walk to the book store down the road to get 'Catching Fire'?  No.  I friggin ran.  Literally.  And at the same time I ordered 'Mockingjay' online thinking it would be in my mail box before I finished 'Catching Fire'.  Ha!  HA!!  The second book was finished in literally 24 hrs.  And yes I was working at the same time and yes no one else had read the books other than Annie so she was being bombarded with texts and yes I was rehashing what I had just read while mixing bread in an industrial mixer.  It's amazing I didn't get my arm ripped off. 

When I finished the series I went into what can only be described as a deep depression.  I'm not even kidding.  I think I stared at the wall for an hour after I finished the last sentence, trying to figure out what to do with my life now.  The only thing I could hold on to was forcing some unsuspecting suckers to read them so they could be just as miserable as I was.  (Thanks and you're welcome Devin, Nikki, Mom, and Becky.)

It's at this time that you would think I'd dive into my favorite parts and divulge crucial information and basically spoil it for everyone who hasn't read it.  But I won't.  Because that would be a douche thing to do. 

** Side bar:  (YEAH! I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOU PRE-TWEEN GIRLS THAT WERE SCREAMING IN THE MOVIE!  NOT EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!! I forgive you though and suggest watching an amazing movie called 'The Brave Little Toaster'.  It's awesome!  Just like Twilight, I swear.) **

 I will admit that the first time I read 'The Hunger Games' (yes there has been more than one time.   Like 5 times each book.  In less than 3 months.  Don't judge me.)  I was all like 'What's Katniss's problem?  Why is she such a crabby pants?  We all got problems Katniss.  Build a bridge and get over it.' 

** Side burns:  (Because she was hungry y'all, that's why.  Being that hungry will make anyone crabby with a capital C-R-A-B.) ** 

 I identified with Peeta.  Then I fell in love with Peeta and decided we were soul mates.  Who cares that he's from the future, is only 16 years old, and fictional?  We are totally Romeo and Juliet.  Taylor Swift would write a song about us.  And yes I do realize that any guy reading this has totally categorized me as crazy and is not only slowly backing away, he's breaking into a sprint.  I'm okay with that.  You're probably a bad kisser any way.


One day I will get into an in depth conversation with you about how the movie compares, how Snow's character totally sucks, and the irony that riddles the books.  But for now I'm going to enjoy my margarita and pop in the movie.  Because really.  What else is there for me to do on a Friday night when I have the next day off?  Toodles!

** Last side note, I swear:  I don't need an intervention, I know I'm a loser.  Also, if I don't get emails/comments about how awesome The Hunger Games is you're on my list and I'd like the Katniss Barbie, or archery lessons for Xmas/my birthday. :o) **

Take notes.

Monday, November 12, 2012

I Would Totally Throw the Brave Little Toaster into the Bathtub

So I was going through all the things I've bought so far this holiday season, seeing who I can officially cross off the list, and I came across something I didn't realize I had bought for my nieces.  The item was the movie 'All Dogs Go to Heaven'.  Now I remember watching the pants off this movie with my sisters when we were younger but I can honestly not remember anything about it other than the last shot where ::SPOILER ALERT:: one of the title dogs fly up to heaven.  Which means he had to die.  Which means I bought my nieces a puppy snuff film.  So why did I buy it?  My only explanation is I thought it was 'Oliver and Company' which would make sense because Annie and I were talking about that movie around the same time I bought 'My Aunt is a Sadist Who Wants Her Nieces to be Emotionally Damaged'.  I texted Annie yesterday admitting my mistake and I promised to get rid of it but she thought they might enjoy it, so I guess we'll play that russian roulette and see how it goes.  Then I pointed out that at least it wasn't 'The Brave Little Toaster' and we both agreed that if it had been, there would have been a fire to throw it into so no one would have to endure that trash.  And thus the transition into the real message and reason for this blog post. 


Did I lose you?  I might have lost you.  If you are my age (or around it) you remember this little ditty that is described by IMDB as:  A toaster, a blanket, a lamp, a radio, and a vacuum cleaner journey to the city to find their master after being abandoned in their cabin in the woods.

                                                                  I am Satan.

Some people will remember that movie just as that.  A heart warming tale about friendship and love.  I will always remember it was the ultimate horror film.  It includes the classics in horror movies:  left behind in a cabin to their own devices away from civilization, strangers attacking them and no one is helping because they either can't hear their cries or don't speak toasternese, grave yards (aka junk yards), and the weak one of the group decides to do something stupid that jeopardises the whole group (like running outside in a thunder storm when they forget they're electronics).

This movie can be credited to my insanely intense fear of junk yards, large construction cranes, and the inability to throw away any kitchen appliance.  Seriously.  I have to find them a new home.  And if they break I basically cry as I leave them in the recycling center and then fear that they'll come after me like an electronic pet cemetery.

                                             My name is not really Damien.  It's Toaster.  I swear.

So the question is, do I give the kids this stocking stuffer and hope for the best?  Or should I donate it and let some sorry unsuspecting bastard take it home to their brood?  If this helps at all, IMDB recommends 'All Dogs Go to Heaven' if you like 'The Brave Little Toaster'.  I think I've just answered my own question.  Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to exercise the demons from the DVD case.  And maybe put towels over all the exposed appliances so I don't think they're staring at me.  And buy them a more appropriate movie.  Like Saw.

Friday, November 9, 2012

One Clingy Dog For Sale. Price: One Order of Cheesy Fries and One High Five.

A typical day with Allison and Audrey:

Allison: Audrey, go eat or do something productive while I sit in this bed, eat, and catch up on my shows.

Audrey:  ::stares blankly at Allison::

Allison:  Seriously. Don't you have a job or something?  I hear they're hiring at Taco Bell.  We could get a discount.  Don't you love me?

Audrey:  ::starts crawling towards Allison with her 'face smothering' face on::

Allison:  You don't have to literally show me that you love me.  Crap.  Please don't lay on my face. Honey, lay right there.  I love you but please back off.  Quick!  I think I hear Hainzley stealing the toys you've been hoarding! 

Audrey:  ::crawls over computer, hits caps lock key, and sits on Allison's chest with her back pressed up against her face::

Allison:  Awesome.  I can't see the T.V. AND people on Twitter now think I'm angry by using all caps.

Audrey:  ::bites my hands::

Allison:  ::sighs:: Good talk Audrey, good talk.

            She's dreaming about people judging me for playing Farmville.  If you look closely, she's smiling.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Let's Hear it for the Baby Mamas

Ok guys this past week has been crazy. CRAZY.  You might say 'cray-cray' if you're so inclined.  With everything that has happened and is still on the schedule to happen all roads lead to how incredible all the mothers in my life are.  As you well know I have no children other than the fur ball who is increasingly becoming more flush in sweaters as the fall goes on and even she makes me so frustrated sometimes that I'm concerned that if she were an actual child I might end up in jail for shaking the baby.  And honestly I am just one bad date away from embracing organized religion and becoming a nun.  So when I had a moment of clarity today and realized how many mommas in my life are super under appreciated I decided I needed to give them a shout out on this little blog to let them know how much I love them and someone in the world sees how awesome they are. 

Awesome Momma Hall of Fame:

Leah Lewis:  This is my mom. For reals. No lie.  Now you know who to thank for all this awesomeness.  Or shake your head in pity for what she has to take from me, whatevs.  Not only has she raised 3 amazing daughters, she keeps a weekly movie, dinner, and little dog date with me AND she took me in this past week when the storm hit and I had no power.  And she spoiled Audrey with fresh air and food.  To top it all off she made an amazing chicken dinner on Sunday and put up with me basically falling into a food coma primarily from green bean casserole.  She also works at the bakery a few days a week so if you see her give her a high five for being so awesome.  Yay Mom!

Annie:  My oldest sister and mother of 3 children under the age of 5.  If you read her blog (shout out to you know how crazy her life can be.  When she's not dealing with Elizabeth cutting her own hair, Rachel crying, or Caleb learning how to become king of the world, she's rocking a pretty hot bod.  She's a super woman basically and gives me awesome advice like, 'If you act like that in public, you will never get married.'  You go girl!

Amy John:  My very best friend in the whole world and of course lives a world away, all the way in NYC.  We have weekly text dates after she's put the kiddos to bed, while watching T.V. to keep the romance alive.  She has 3 beautiful children, is trying to finish going to fashion school, and I have no doubt that soon enough you will all be sporting something that has her name in it.  Oh yeah and she survived the hurricane that just hit New York hard and booked it to West Virginia for her mom's 50th birthday party AND made gluten-free corn bread!  See? Amazing.  Did I mention she's only 28?  You may now start hating her.  You should also know she learns from the best. Her mom, Colleen, is who I consider my second momma and is currently using her motherly awesomeness to bring sunshine into 2 more little girls' lives.

Rebecca McClintock Meadows:   The bread world brought us together and love of cheese and inappropriate humor will never let us part.  She has 2 handsome sons who will definitely be heart breakers, has earned at least 2 degrees, can play Bridge, and makes me jealous of her crazy calligraphy skills.  Martha Stewart should be afraid, very afraid.  She'll never judge you for owning a pair of  'nice' sweat pants that you save for the good company, will try what I consider adventurous things (adding cream cheese to nachos), and not laugh when I look truly terrified at the thought of waxing anything.  Soul mates are rare and she is definitely one of mine.


Watching these ladies do what they do day in and day out makes me glad our future generations have these Joan of Arcs to guide them.  Knowing all the mothers in the world don't hear enough how amazing they are, you should stop reading this blog right now, pick up the phone, and call them.  Tell them even though you know they're on the third day of wearing that pajama shirt and the biggest victory of the day is that one of the kids didn't electrocute themselves or cut the dog's hair, that they are BEAUTIFUL!  AMAZING!  GODDESSES!  And then offer to rescue her for a quick trip to Target, because even though it's just Target, without the kids, it's a spa vacation.  And don't forget the coupons.