Friday, December 21, 2012

I May Get A Face Tattoo.

Recently it's been brought to my attention that I am not 'dangerous enough'.  That statement was brought on by a sneaky set up that one of us was not in the know about (him) and then when later grilled as to what he thought of the girl that randomly showed up at his aunt's home for Thanksgiving, following his sister around like a scared kitten, the phrase, 'Not dangerous enough for me' was born.  This statement confused his sister leaving her to ask 'What does that even mean??' but I knew exactly what it meant.  And of all the rejections I've had in my 28 years of existence it's actually one I'm okay with. If I can be described as anything, 'dangerous' is certainly not going to be one of them.  The following are examples on behavior that makes me feel dangerous:

- Making eye contact with a hitch hiker.

- Sometimes forgetting to brush my teeth before I go to bed at night.

- Online dating.

- Watching scary movies at night, in an empty house, that is most definitely already haunted.

- Eating at buffets.

- Paying my cell phone bill 2 hours before deadline.

- Dying my hair shades that may not be natural for most people...that aren't aliens or mystical ponies.

- Eating raw cookie dough.

- Eating Taco Bell.

I. Am. Bad. To. The. Bone.  Children cross the street when they see me.  Bikers say to each other, 'Don't cross Mrs. Allison!  That chick be loco!' (also those bikers are in a cartel. obviously.)
So yeah, I'm not the most dangerous person, and I never will be.  I have accepted a life of the good girl and hopefully karma will one day reward me when a man who values that.  And let's face it.  'Not dangerous enough' is WAY better than 'She might have herpes.'  True Story.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Katniss is My Home Girl.

So I could use this blog to talk about the hell week I've had in the bakery due to Thanksgiving.  But I'd rather not rehash that insanity.  Or I could talk about my love life (or the lack there of) but that's just depressing.  And watching Big Rich Texas all day is making me want to reevaluate my life.  (Unless you watch it and then let's talk!  Oh my God, it's awesome!  Bonnie needs to be my best friend.)  Since I couldn't decide what to do I put everything in a mental bag, shook it like a Polaroid picture and pulled out.....THE HUNGER GAMES!!  Was that not obvious to you?  Weird.  We may not be that close.  Any hoo, anyone who knows me, knows I love The Hunger Games.  I even have a key chain, y'all.  But don't call me obsessed.  I think that's a lazy word, like spork or Bennifer.  I prefer 'dedicated'.  I'll admit, I was late to get into the series mostly because they're geared towards 'young adults' (although I fit that description, right? RIGHT?!)  I didn't hear about them until I saw a movie trailer and thought it looked entertaining.  Then Annie got the books before I did (electronically that is so she couldn't send me the books)  and loved them.  So on a shopping trip I stopped at a book store and saw the first book and thought, 'Hey, I have 2 other books started but the movie isn't for a couple of months so I have plenty of time to lazily read this.  No big deal.'

** Side note:  These books should have a huge disclaimer on them that warns 'This shit will ruin your life.  For the better.  Just thought you should know and stuff.  Also, high five for being awesome. **

Hello, lover.
Cut to 4 pm the next day and I'm salivating for the next book.  Did I walk to the book store down the road to get 'Catching Fire'?  No.  I friggin ran.  Literally.  And at the same time I ordered 'Mockingjay' online thinking it would be in my mail box before I finished 'Catching Fire'.  Ha!  HA!!  The second book was finished in literally 24 hrs.  And yes I was working at the same time and yes no one else had read the books other than Annie so she was being bombarded with texts and yes I was rehashing what I had just read while mixing bread in an industrial mixer.  It's amazing I didn't get my arm ripped off. 

When I finished the series I went into what can only be described as a deep depression.  I'm not even kidding.  I think I stared at the wall for an hour after I finished the last sentence, trying to figure out what to do with my life now.  The only thing I could hold on to was forcing some unsuspecting suckers to read them so they could be just as miserable as I was.  (Thanks and you're welcome Devin, Nikki, Mom, and Becky.)

It's at this time that you would think I'd dive into my favorite parts and divulge crucial information and basically spoil it for everyone who hasn't read it.  But I won't.  Because that would be a douche thing to do. 

** Side bar:  (YEAH! I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOU PRE-TWEEN GIRLS THAT WERE SCREAMING IN THE MOVIE!  NOT EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!! I forgive you though and suggest watching an amazing movie called 'The Brave Little Toaster'.  It's awesome!  Just like Twilight, I swear.) **

 I will admit that the first time I read 'The Hunger Games' (yes there has been more than one time.   Like 5 times each book.  In less than 3 months.  Don't judge me.)  I was all like 'What's Katniss's problem?  Why is she such a crabby pants?  We all got problems Katniss.  Build a bridge and get over it.' 

** Side burns:  (Because she was hungry y'all, that's why.  Being that hungry will make anyone crabby with a capital C-R-A-B.) ** 

 I identified with Peeta.  Then I fell in love with Peeta and decided we were soul mates.  Who cares that he's from the future, is only 16 years old, and fictional?  We are totally Romeo and Juliet.  Taylor Swift would write a song about us.  And yes I do realize that any guy reading this has totally categorized me as crazy and is not only slowly backing away, he's breaking into a sprint.  I'm okay with that.  You're probably a bad kisser any way.


One day I will get into an in depth conversation with you about how the movie compares, how Snow's character totally sucks, and the irony that riddles the books.  But for now I'm going to enjoy my margarita and pop in the movie.  Because really.  What else is there for me to do on a Friday night when I have the next day off?  Toodles!

** Last side note, I swear:  I don't need an intervention, I know I'm a loser.  Also, if I don't get emails/comments about how awesome The Hunger Games is you're on my list and I'd like the Katniss Barbie, or archery lessons for Xmas/my birthday. :o) **

Take notes.

Monday, November 12, 2012

I Would Totally Throw the Brave Little Toaster into the Bathtub

So I was going through all the things I've bought so far this holiday season, seeing who I can officially cross off the list, and I came across something I didn't realize I had bought for my nieces.  The item was the movie 'All Dogs Go to Heaven'.  Now I remember watching the pants off this movie with my sisters when we were younger but I can honestly not remember anything about it other than the last shot where ::SPOILER ALERT:: one of the title dogs fly up to heaven.  Which means he had to die.  Which means I bought my nieces a puppy snuff film.  So why did I buy it?  My only explanation is I thought it was 'Oliver and Company' which would make sense because Annie and I were talking about that movie around the same time I bought 'My Aunt is a Sadist Who Wants Her Nieces to be Emotionally Damaged'.  I texted Annie yesterday admitting my mistake and I promised to get rid of it but she thought they might enjoy it, so I guess we'll play that russian roulette and see how it goes.  Then I pointed out that at least it wasn't 'The Brave Little Toaster' and we both agreed that if it had been, there would have been a fire to throw it into so no one would have to endure that trash.  And thus the transition into the real message and reason for this blog post. 


Did I lose you?  I might have lost you.  If you are my age (or around it) you remember this little ditty that is described by IMDB as:  A toaster, a blanket, a lamp, a radio, and a vacuum cleaner journey to the city to find their master after being abandoned in their cabin in the woods.

                                                                  I am Satan.

Some people will remember that movie just as that.  A heart warming tale about friendship and love.  I will always remember it was the ultimate horror film.  It includes the classics in horror movies:  left behind in a cabin to their own devices away from civilization, strangers attacking them and no one is helping because they either can't hear their cries or don't speak toasternese, grave yards (aka junk yards), and the weak one of the group decides to do something stupid that jeopardises the whole group (like running outside in a thunder storm when they forget they're electronics).

This movie can be credited to my insanely intense fear of junk yards, large construction cranes, and the inability to throw away any kitchen appliance.  Seriously.  I have to find them a new home.  And if they break I basically cry as I leave them in the recycling center and then fear that they'll come after me like an electronic pet cemetery.

                                             My name is not really Damien.  It's Toaster.  I swear.

So the question is, do I give the kids this stocking stuffer and hope for the best?  Or should I donate it and let some sorry unsuspecting bastard take it home to their brood?  If this helps at all, IMDB recommends 'All Dogs Go to Heaven' if you like 'The Brave Little Toaster'.  I think I've just answered my own question.  Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to exercise the demons from the DVD case.  And maybe put towels over all the exposed appliances so I don't think they're staring at me.  And buy them a more appropriate movie.  Like Saw.

Friday, November 9, 2012

One Clingy Dog For Sale. Price: One Order of Cheesy Fries and One High Five.

A typical day with Allison and Audrey:

Allison: Audrey, go eat or do something productive while I sit in this bed, eat, and catch up on my shows.

Audrey:  ::stares blankly at Allison::

Allison:  Seriously. Don't you have a job or something?  I hear they're hiring at Taco Bell.  We could get a discount.  Don't you love me?

Audrey:  ::starts crawling towards Allison with her 'face smothering' face on::

Allison:  You don't have to literally show me that you love me.  Crap.  Please don't lay on my face. Honey, lay right there.  I love you but please back off.  Quick!  I think I hear Hainzley stealing the toys you've been hoarding! 

Audrey:  ::crawls over computer, hits caps lock key, and sits on Allison's chest with her back pressed up against her face::

Allison:  Awesome.  I can't see the T.V. AND people on Twitter now think I'm angry by using all caps.

Audrey:  ::bites my hands::

Allison:  ::sighs:: Good talk Audrey, good talk.

            She's dreaming about people judging me for playing Farmville.  If you look closely, she's smiling.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Let's Hear it for the Baby Mamas

Ok guys this past week has been crazy. CRAZY.  You might say 'cray-cray' if you're so inclined.  With everything that has happened and is still on the schedule to happen all roads lead to how incredible all the mothers in my life are.  As you well know I have no children other than the fur ball who is increasingly becoming more flush in sweaters as the fall goes on and even she makes me so frustrated sometimes that I'm concerned that if she were an actual child I might end up in jail for shaking the baby.  And honestly I am just one bad date away from embracing organized religion and becoming a nun.  So when I had a moment of clarity today and realized how many mommas in my life are super under appreciated I decided I needed to give them a shout out on this little blog to let them know how much I love them and someone in the world sees how awesome they are. 

Awesome Momma Hall of Fame:

Leah Lewis:  This is my mom. For reals. No lie.  Now you know who to thank for all this awesomeness.  Or shake your head in pity for what she has to take from me, whatevs.  Not only has she raised 3 amazing daughters, she keeps a weekly movie, dinner, and little dog date with me AND she took me in this past week when the storm hit and I had no power.  And she spoiled Audrey with fresh air and food.  To top it all off she made an amazing chicken dinner on Sunday and put up with me basically falling into a food coma primarily from green bean casserole.  She also works at the bakery a few days a week so if you see her give her a high five for being so awesome.  Yay Mom!

Annie:  My oldest sister and mother of 3 children under the age of 5.  If you read her blog (shout out to you know how crazy her life can be.  When she's not dealing with Elizabeth cutting her own hair, Rachel crying, or Caleb learning how to become king of the world, she's rocking a pretty hot bod.  She's a super woman basically and gives me awesome advice like, 'If you act like that in public, you will never get married.'  You go girl!

Amy John:  My very best friend in the whole world and of course lives a world away, all the way in NYC.  We have weekly text dates after she's put the kiddos to bed, while watching T.V. to keep the romance alive.  She has 3 beautiful children, is trying to finish going to fashion school, and I have no doubt that soon enough you will all be sporting something that has her name in it.  Oh yeah and she survived the hurricane that just hit New York hard and booked it to West Virginia for her mom's 50th birthday party AND made gluten-free corn bread!  See? Amazing.  Did I mention she's only 28?  You may now start hating her.  You should also know she learns from the best. Her mom, Colleen, is who I consider my second momma and is currently using her motherly awesomeness to bring sunshine into 2 more little girls' lives.

Rebecca McClintock Meadows:   The bread world brought us together and love of cheese and inappropriate humor will never let us part.  She has 2 handsome sons who will definitely be heart breakers, has earned at least 2 degrees, can play Bridge, and makes me jealous of her crazy calligraphy skills.  Martha Stewart should be afraid, very afraid.  She'll never judge you for owning a pair of  'nice' sweat pants that you save for the good company, will try what I consider adventurous things (adding cream cheese to nachos), and not laugh when I look truly terrified at the thought of waxing anything.  Soul mates are rare and she is definitely one of mine.


Watching these ladies do what they do day in and day out makes me glad our future generations have these Joan of Arcs to guide them.  Knowing all the mothers in the world don't hear enough how amazing they are, you should stop reading this blog right now, pick up the phone, and call them.  Tell them even though you know they're on the third day of wearing that pajama shirt and the biggest victory of the day is that one of the kids didn't electrocute themselves or cut the dog's hair, that they are BEAUTIFUL!  AMAZING!  GODDESSES!  And then offer to rescue her for a quick trip to Target, because even though it's just Target, without the kids, it's a spa vacation.  And don't forget the coupons. 


Monday, October 22, 2012

Allison Scissor Hands

A few months ago I saw a psychic (yes a psychic) that mentioned that I would feel the urge to pamper myself in the upcoming months and I shouldn't fight it because it was my inner child coming through.  I didn't tell her I had made hair and threading appointments just that morning, but I ran with it and went ahead and got a manicure on top of everything else!  With that said I realized I had let the whole pampering thing go by the way side, mostly due to laziness but also all that fanciness is quite expensive (as you well know) but when you're staring at your now uni brow and the bangs you have your shaky hands holding a pair of scissors to, enough is enough.  I decided to make an appointment for myself but also Audrey had been looking a little worse for wear. 

When I got Audrey, her hair was crazy. short on the underside and long, long, long on top.  So long in fact that my housemate Courtney has had many fun evenings braiding it!  She has a mohawk, super long white ear hair, and neck hair that grows up and out like she's wearing a fury Elizabethan collar.  My sister has been basically begging me to take her to a groomers since the day I got her but I just couldn't do it.  I had fears that she would be put in the awful cage and then start having flash backs to 'Nam and then hate me for the rest of her life.  She still hasn't trusted me fully since she got fixed.

So I decided having a culinary degree meant I could groom dogs. 

One quick trip to Pet Smart (they put the grooming sheers next to the adoption groups...cruel, cruel people) and I had a tear stained face and a new pair of trimming scissors.  Andrea volunteered to be my special assistant (aka she held the dog down) and I got to work.  I mimicked all the techniques I've seen in television and the movies and 10 minutes later, with only one nick (which I apologised profusely for), one bald spot, and one pleading from Andrea to stop trying to even out the fur on the back of her neck, she was done! And marvelous looking!  I kept the mohawk and long ear hair because like the beautiful idol she was named for who stood by little black dresses and large sunglasses, she needed her signature look.

                              You're mad at the camera! You're mad at the camera! Show it who's boss!

                     Stop trying to get my bald spot.  Show them where you cut me you evil woman!  Ooo! Chicken rice!

As for me, I left it all up to a professional.  Though she did admit that it was the most boring hair appointment I've had.  I'm always the one that suggests crazy cuts and colors but I kept it sleek and simple with a bob and no color.

                                     Anyone remember the pink and purple hair? Maybe next time...

Now with all this pampering business done, I am off to find recipes that involve Kale and Cauliflower.  Andrea has started a weight loss challenge at school and I have decided to be supportive with my cooking, seeing that most my meals involve potatoes or pasta of some sort, I don't want to be the reason she has to pay for any pounds she might gain.  Happy Monday y'all!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Tuesday Challenge

Raise your hand if you've had a crappy day.  I have both of mine raised.  You may be saying to yourself, 'But it's only Tuesday.'  Guess what? Tuesdays are my Mondays.  And I swear if I hear anyone say, 'Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!' I might just stab you through the computer. 

Anyway, back to what I was saying....crappy day goers I have something that will make it better.  It's a challenge.  The challenge is: Go hug a tree and think of all the good things you have in your life.

Ha! Just kidding. I mean, you can do that if you want. No your face.  Okay, okay, the real challenge is something I do quite often and it has proven quite effective in the raising of the spirits.  I call it: The Song Title Challenge.  What you do is use song titles to answer all questions that you're asked today.  I prefer to pick a decade or group but it's up to you.  If you're having trouble imagining this here's a sample:

Taco Bell Employee:  Welcome to Taco Bell! How are you today?
Me: Walking on sunshine, thanks!
Taco Bell Employee:  Great! What can we get for you today?
Me: One funky cold medina, please.
Taco Bell Employee: Huh?
Me:  Sorry Miss Jackson, let me clear my throat. One funky cold medina.
Taco Bell Employee:  I don't think we sell those.
Me:  I don't want no scrubs.
Taco Bell Employee:  Are...are you answering all my questions with songs? 
Me:  Should I stay or should I go?
Taco Bell Employee:  You should go. Far, far away.
Me:  So far away?
Taco Bell Employee: I'm calling security.

And that's when you should exit. Rapidly.

There, doesn't that sound fun? Now go do it! And report back with your epic tales. Oh and if you get arrested, I don't have bail money so try not to piss off the wrong people.  Toodles!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Why Thank You for Noticing I'm Sick Because I Look Like Crap

For the past 365 million days (actual time: 2 weeks) I've been sick.  And we're not talking about a little sniffle or tiredness, I'm talking about full on hacking up my lungs, laying in bed because the room is spinning, breaking my no vomit streak dozens of times over (record held at 7 years). In the past 3 months I have been sick more times than in the past 4 years and I attribute this to moving in with a 3rd grade teacher.  Yes people, your children are adorable, disease carrying petri dishes that have almost caused me to break down and purchase a Hazmat suit for every day wear (a string of pearls will top off the ensemble for clubbin'). 

So the following are a few tidbits for survival I have learned while having the plague:

1.  No matter how many times I wish it were true, pizza will never make nausea go away and never come back another day.

2.  Coupons for cold and flu remedies such as NyQuil and Robitussin are not as prevalent as I would like.  And I'm sure you're thinking, 'Even on her death bed she's concerned about saving a few cents on some cold medicine?' The answer is yes. Wait, let me say that again: YES.  Have you seen how much that crap costs??  And I had a coupon for $3 off!  I don't care if I'm standing in that aisle for 30 minutes reading and rereading the coupon's fine print because I just can't seem to focus, I'm getting a deal on that liquid gold.

3.  Audrey doesn't care. She doesn't care that I'm going through a million tissues because she loves to find them in my covers and will proceed to shred them.  She doesn't care that I launch her through the air every time my coughing causes me to sit up so I don't choke on my own phlem because she thinks it's a game and she'll come right back after EVERY TIME and re-sit on my chest (yes, my chest.) just to enjoy the ride once more.

4.  Lysol makes handy purse friendly sized canisters so I can literally spray anyone I come in contact with like they're entering a decontamination shower.

                          I took a picture of it with the pepper spray to emphasize my point to the germs that I mean business.

5.  When nursing a hacking cough that you're sure is pertussis, you should walk 3 dogs up a steep hill. When you lose hold on one of the leashes, your coughing (that has accompanied the screaming of the dog's name) will likely drown out the obscene language that follows the pleading to the canine.

6.  Having no health insurance will cause you to google 'Natural Home Remedies for Bronchitis'.  The results will fascinate and scare the shit out of you all at the same time!  Who knew that lubing your chest up with canola oil so that you can put a cloth coated in a paste of mustard powder, flour, and water on top of it, could cure respiratory problems? And I'm not saying that wouldn't work but it was on a 14 Home Remedies list that included simply: Rest. What am I? Rich?

7.  Keurig has an apple cider K-cup. 'Nuff said.

8.  You can actually cough up a lung AND last week's dinner.

9.  No matter how much I try, I can not teach Audrey to do my laundry.  How many times do I have to say it??  DELICATES SEPARATE FROM THE CHEF JACKETS. 

10.  Airborne is crap. CRAP. I have been loading up on the stuff for months and it may have been developed by a teacher who was sick and tired of getting sick and tired but I'm sick and tired of being lied to. For $4.99 a bottle. Douche.

And that concludes the life lessons learned by moi in the past 2 weeks.  Now if you'll excuse me I will chase my troubles away by downing some harvest cheddar Sun Chips and follow it with a shot of NyQuil and day dream about coughing on some unsuspecting healthy people.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Audrey Hepburn to the Rescue

On June 1 I adopted a sweet little, 3 year old dog from the animal shelter.  She was sick with a gnarly case of kennel cough and scared out of her mind to be in a loud place that was cold and unfamiliar.  She came in as a stray so no one knew her story, but once I saw her little face on the adoption site I just couldn't get her out of my mind. So with my sister's blessing (I was moving into her home after all) I got her out of that awful place and we took on the task of nursing this weak little 7 lb dog back to health. Upon doing so we discovered something else about her: SHE'S COMPLETELY CRAZY.  Her meekness was a total ploy to get out of Shawshank and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. 
She's a barker. Especially if one of the other dogs has something she wants.  She's a cuddlier. 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.  I think she runs off sucking the personal space off of people like a cuddly vampire.  If you put something in with her food she will rummage through it, throwing all the dog food onto the floor until she finds the addition like she's a 5 year old kid looking for the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.

Despite threatening to take her back numerous times, especially when she's trying to escape my bedroom for Andrea's by scratching the door and crying at midnight...when i have to be up at 3 for work...4 nights in a row...she's proven she can earn her keep.  Mostly in humor because she'll let me dress her in sweaters and spike her crazy hair.

                                                 You should see her Pink Ladies jacket

She has also proven to be a good nurse to those ailing around her.  I have had a horrible cough that causes me to sit up every couple of hours during the night so that I don't choke, and every time I sit up she's up too, putting her little paw on my back as if to tell me it's ok.  This morning my sister discovered she was sick and Audrey has barely left her side all day. I'm sure if I could put a tray on her little back she would gladly tote toast and water to Andrea on the couch.

                                                                            Hainzlee, if you distract her, I'll grab her toast. I'll totally share.

So long story short, my dog is awesome.  No matter how many times I want to wring her little neck for stealing laundry or for pulling the soles out of all the shoes she comes in contact with, I wouldn't trade her for the world.

                                                                                            No more talks, just rubs my belly woman.

So What If I High Five Myself?

Certain people have been suggesting that I do this blog thing for awhile. Why? Probably because my life can be so hysterically tragic. So until cameras start following me around to get this comedy gold, this blog will have to do. 

This blog will cover life according to me, baking talk, stories about my adorable dog Audrey Hepburn, and basically anything I friggin' want.  I'm sarcastic, watch too much TV, eat too many french fries, and (as the title states) awkward.  You should also assume that most of these words are being sung. Off key. With a little toe tap and head bob.  With all that said, I wish you a good day and many visits back...but not in a creepy way.

Lewis, out.