Thursday, February 28, 2013

I Shot Cupid (A Dirty Look)


A few more tidbits on how to be less creepy on a dating site (Continued):

Be a gentleman.  Remember that rule?  An oldie but a goodie.  You should know it's always good manners to open doors, pull out chairs, wait out side the restaurant for your date so she doesn't look like an ass craning her neck while she tries to remember what your profile picture looks like...and not posting on your profile that you expect certain types of sex.  I understand that sex is part of a healthy relationship and I understand that you're just being honest.  I can appreciate that.  You should appreciate my honesty in return: in no way does this make me say, 'Hey! Let's date!'  It makes me think, 'You're a rude prick.'  Can't things evolve?  Do we have to automatically be thrown into the deep end of the pool?  It's 2013.  We're in the modern age and I'm a modern woman.  This does not mean that romance and allure should be dead and I'm not going to accept any different. (And then she slammed the door!)

You have kids.  Admit it.     Okay, so I'm looking for a unicorn.  That unicorn is a male past the age of 29 with no biological children attached.  I love kids.  I want kids.  But I'm not looking to step into a step monster role right away. (I am now singing 'Simple Kind of Life' in my head.)  With that said, I have specified on my profile that I'd like the 'baby filter'.  (Totally made that up.  Not really called that.  No hate mail please.)  You sneaky snakes have found a way around it though!  I have been matched recently with men who have their profile pictures with babies (suspect but not a smoking gun), it says they have no children, but when you scan down to what they're 'Thankful For' they list their CHILDREN. (AHA!)  Dude.  Please.  Just check that box.  It'll save you time AND (more importantly) me time.  But your babies are beautiful, congratulations on...that.  And stuff.

Okay, that's all I got.  I'll leave you with the song that's blaring in my head...


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp

Valentine's Day brings total anxiety to most people. 

Basically me every Saturday night.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't one of them.  This anxiety mostly comes from the realization that high school never ends (as if you didn't know that already).  You know those magical moments where you had to witness countless girls (who were never you) get these huge, elaborate bouquets of flowers or chocolates or chocolate flowers.  And then they wear their huge, stupid grins on their faces for the rest of the day like they're the Queen of friggin' England.  WE GET IT!  YOU'RE BETTER THAN US!  I scream the same thing in my head even now when my co-workers get the same gifts and then some.  Someone I know got a singing telegram once! (Yes, I'm talking to you Becky.  I remember everything.)  So what's my point?  My point is, that no matter how much us single gals deny it, this holiday makes us do crazy things.  Such as: sending flowers to one's self, binging on obscene amounts of chocolate, or...joining a dating site.  I did the last one.  I know.  I KNOW.  I've done this whole dance before, and it's been fruitless but the crazy in me just won't let it go.  Which brings me to a few tips for those on online dating sites looking for potential mates.


Tip #1:  Actually show pictures of yourself.  I've seen profiles with no pictures, pictures of half faces (and not in an artsy way), pictures of their favorite cartoon hero.  I once came across a profile that stated he refused to post a picture because judging someone on their looks was wrong.  I'm putting that lightly.  He went on a 5 paragraph rant about how he just wants someone to love him for him and not judged on his looks.  He then spent 2 paragraphs describing what he finds physically attractive in women.  Which brings me to tip #2...

Tip #2:  Nothing says 'I'm a douche' more like taking shirtless pictures of yourself in the mirror while at the gym.  We get it.  You're fit.  You have muscles.  High five.

Tip #3:  If you're looking for a gal to run the miles or hike those trails with you, I ain't your girl.  I don't know if you paid attention to the picture of my chubby face or if you ignored the fact that my profile has subtle 'THERE IS NO WAY YOU WILL GET ME TO GO CAMPING WITH YOU' under tones, but I'm sorry to say I have no interest in becoming one with nature, no matter how much you think you might be able to convince me other wise.  That's not to say I won't go for walks with you, especially if Audrey comes along, just don't expect me to frisbee golf with you.  (But admittedly I have no idea what frisbee golf is.  I might like it.  I like frisbee...What?  I'm complex.)

Tip #4:  When viewing a girl's profile that professes the love of all animals, especially dogs, it's best not to start an email out with: 'If we get together and things get serious, you could never get a dog.  We could only have cats.  I hate dogs.'  You think this is fake.  It is not.  I actually got an email like this. 

Tip #5:  If you can afford to pay for an account on a dating site (which ain't cheap, lemme tell ya) you should also have a job.  If you're not independently wealthy or have a money tree no one knows about, please don't be surprised when you're not getting a lot of dates off of  'I don't have a job and I still live with my parents.  Also, I'm 45.'  Hard times fall on us all, I get it.  But maybe you should be saving the $200 for something more important and meet someone on the street.  Where it's free.  Except in that one part of town.

So in conclusion people, I'm in for some trouble and I've paid for a year's subscription, so I'm sure this blog is about to get a whole lot more interesting.  Or tragic.  YOU BE THE JUDGE! 

(Speaking of judging, my blog has hit over a 1,000 views! Thanks Mom!)

Happy Valentine's Day, Y'all!  And remember, you're not the only one in the world eating chinese food in your bed while watching the black and white pilot episode of The Walking Dead, with your dog on Thursday.  YA! YA!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I May Be Drunk on Apple Cider K-Cups

Are you feeling crappy and sinusy? (Is that a word? Spell check says no.)  Do you like Apple Cider K-Cups?  Do you like high fives?  Is your sister making you dinner right now?  If you answered yes to any one of these or all of these, I deem you awesome.  And because you're awesome you probably know there's a new episode of 'New Girl' on tonight.  Remember, this happened last week:

AHHHH!!!  I KNOW!!!  I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS!!! What?  You don't watch 'New Girl'?  What's wrong with you?  Seriously.  Do you just not like hilarity?  You must because you read this blog, so what's up?  START BEING AWESOME!  And put a dollar in the douch bag jar.
And that's basically the point of this blog today. BYYYEEEE!!!

Monday, February 4, 2013