Tuesday, October 29, 2013

I Hold These Truths To Be Self-Evident.

There comes a time in your life when you realize you know a lot.  That time for me is the age of 29.  Now, I'm under no illusion that knowing a lot means knowing everything.  I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. (Yet.  I suspect that will come at the age of 30.) But knowledge is power and I thought I should share this wisdom with all of my 3, possibly 4 readers, so we can all be superior beings.  Ready?  Okay!

Truth:  At some point in your bathroom you will run out of everything all at once.  The shampoo is on it's last leg, the conditioner is the only thing you have half full (and the only thing new that you have in your closet), you've been banging your lotion bottle on the sink for 3 days now and running your finger along the inside to snatch any spare droplet, and your deodorant's plastic casing is scraping your arm pit.  It's like they planned it.

Truth:  Saving money makes you cool.  Coupons make you cool.  Having manufacturer coupons, store coupons, digital coupons, and a discount app that you can use on all the same transaction will piss people off.  But you'll look cool doing it.

Truth:  High school never ends.  People always say, 'Just get through it!  It may be hell but you will never have to deal with that crap again.'  This is a lie told by people who have repressed their high school memories or were the prom queen/king. The actual going to high school may end, you can cut out the crazy bitches that made you hate high school, but you'll just trade these people in for new faces that you'll have to work with every day.  For the rest of your life.  High school is for learning how to politely and professionally tell these whiney cry babies to shove it.  (Or in the very least, where not to have your cubicle.)  But it gets better.  Life gets better.  Mostly because you will soon get to drown those sorrows in booze.

Truth:  I know there are times and events I was a part of, but can literally not remember a damn thing about what actually happened.  This is a gift from your brain.  Do not try to unrepress that repressed memory.  There is a reason it's in a dark corner.  Leave it alone.

Truth:  Bedside tables are used to hold the things you need the most and can easily have access too.  That is unless you have dogs.  The best thing on my bedside table is the lamp that is rarely turned on.  It can hold the things the dogs will go for the most and the things I cherish.  Like the laptop...or my Taco Bell lunch.


 
Exhibit A
 
 

 
Truth:  If you don't expect someone to change for you, you shouldn't be expected to change for them.  If you don't like hiking, say you don't like hiking.  It's not the deal breaker.  And if it is, then it's YOUR deal breaker.
 
Truth:  A party dip bowl is not restricted to party dip.  It can be used as a candy bowl.
 
 
 
The middle bowl is for your trash.
 
 
Truth:  I am most proud of the last discovery.
 
 


And now I open the floor for your truths!  Mostly because I want all the knowledge.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Pumpkin Slayer


My cardio is lawn care.  Instead of sweating to the oldies though, I sweat to a mix of Muse, NSYNC, Kelly Clarkson, and the Foo Fighters.  (It's awesome.)  With all this rain we've been having I can't seem to get out there to cut the forest that has become my back yard, but worst than the look of it, Sophie won't go to the bathroom in it.  The grass is either too tall or too wet for her liking and she spends most of her time hopping around like a bunny trying to find the perfect spot, which she never finds.  So she just runs back to the door trying to convince me that her peeing in the house is a good thing.  Other than the tall weeds, something else is taking over the back yard... 

'Thems there is a pumpkin, Jim Bob!'



I swear, if I can't turn at least one of these bitches into a stage couch, I'm going to be pissed.  The vines have been growing for awhile but the pumpkins emerging is totally new.  Like just in the past couple of days.  The fast growth process gives me hope on the being magical theory.  I've read where you have to turn the pumpkins to avoid getting flat sides or rotting but have you ever tried doing it???  First of all the vines have ANCHORED themselves into the ground and the vines are prickly.  PRICKLY!  It's like they want to be squishy and gross.  I also read where you can put sand underneath them to keep them rounded but with all the rain we've been having, I have a feeling all that sand would end up in my crawl space and instead of happy pumpkins I would have created a nightmare beach scene.  Reading about them also armed me with knowledge I never wanted to know...Like, did you know the flowers that produce the pumpkins are females and the pumpkins come from the bulb growing on the bottom of the flower because it's the...uterus??  Yeah.  I totally had a Juno moment where I could hear her voice in my head echoing, 'Did you know babies have fingernails??  FINGERNAILS!'  File this under crap I wish I had never googled.

Yesterday there was finally a lull in the rain, fueled with determination and a little fear (I had just watched The Conjuring) I grabbed the weed eater and lawn mower and got to work on Sophie's bathroom palace  the back yard.  For an hour and a half I worked to fight the sun going down and the rain.  And then I decided to attack the pumpkin patch.  Armed with hand clippers and gardening gloves I cut vine by vine, being careful not to cut vines that already had pumpkins on them to avoid pumpkincide.  I may have been shouting, 'There can be only one!!'.

When I was done I had a good 6 feet of vine cut off and the patch looked...

Exactly the same.
 
 

*sigh*  Oh well.  At least they aren't growing over the grave of a witch ghost that has sworn to murder anyone living in my house...probably.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Soul Sisters

I'm constantly over powered by 2 dogs, both 10 pounds (wet).  They're like the sisters from 'The Shining' who beckon to you to come play with them.  You know you shouldn't do it.  Turn that Big Wheels around and peddle down the hall as fast as your little legs will carry you, but their cute faces take on an innocent glow and makes you feel bad about ever questioning their motives...and then they strike.  One will 'herd' me around by nipping at my heels while the other takes full advantage of  me trying to save said heels by jumping into my vegetable garden to eat mouthfuls of dirt just to piss me off. 

As you know, this is Audrey.

Did you say bacon?


I imagine everything Audrey says to me is in the bratty voice of an 11 year old.  She frequently tells me I'm not the boss of her, asks why do I hate her, asks when we're going to the mall, and demands to be told how pretty she is on the hour, every hour.  Her super powers are held in her Mohawk.  Until recently I was convinced she was eating the buds off of my rose bush and now she won't let me forget how I falsely accused her.  She karate chops me while we're sleeping.  She claims it's an accident.

This is Sophie. 

                                           What do you mean Vampire Diaries is off for the season?

You should imagine Sophie's voice as Rain Man.  I am convinced she was bred to look like a cross between Zach Galifianakis  and an Ewok.  She has to be in bed by 9 pm or she gets cranky.  She likes playing with her food, hunting unicorns, and chewing on cilantro (not necessarily in that order).  I'm pretty sure she put Metamucil on my grocery list.  Sophie is temporarily staying with us (shout out to Nikki) and has become best friends with Audrey.  They're weird soul sisters who spend most of their time just wandering through the house growling at the top of their lungs for absolutely no reason.  When they meet there's this weird stand off where they just lean again each other, daring each other to be the first to step away.  Like an odd game of Russian Roulette and trust falling.  Her bark can pierce sound barriers.

Sophie hates it when Audrey touches her.  It reminds me of when I was growing up and I would accidentally brush past my sister in the hallway and she would shove me into the wall screaming at me for touching her. (Ah, sisterly love.)  If Audrey walks past Sophie to get anywhere and touches her in the slightest way, Sophie growls, snaps, and moves away like Audrey smells of poo.  This entices Audrey to do it again.   And again.  And AGAIN. 

Today Audrey was under the covers and Sophie decided she was going to lay down on top of that weird lump.  The lump was Audrey's head.  Audrey growled, Sophie smiled and dug in deeper. 

Do I have a point to these stories?  Not really.  Just that these dogs are awesome.  Probably more awesome than you.  Definitely more awesome than me.  Now if you'll excuse me, the girls and I are off to loot some curbside drop offs. (like princesses)


  

Monday, May 20, 2013

I Smell A Rat...

Holy crap y'all.  This.  Day.  So there has been this on going battle with the dishwasher.  The first day I went to use it, a river of water came flooding out.  Yay... But I have a home warranty that covers it so all I had to do was call and be at the beck and call of these Sears repairmen for going on...2 and a half months now.  It was always the wrong part was ordered or they would show up while I was still at work or they couldn't fit me in until weeks later.  But today!  Today was the day!  That damn machine was going to be fixed. 

The best repairman showed up bright and early and got straight to work.  And so did I...  While he was doing his thing I pulled weeds, put that weed eater to work, and when I saw clouds rolling in I grabbed the mower and took care of the stupid grass too.  Then the news came...apparently I have a rat problem.  You read that right.  A RAT PROBLEM.  Those f-ers chewed on the new wires of the new motor to the washing machine that was installed a month ago.  He even showed me the way they were getting in.  It was a hole the size of a Barbie dream house.  Cut to me getting on the phone and demanding all the rat poison in the world.  Just kidding.  But I did ask mom to bring some steel wool and some poison for back up. 

Now I'm against using poison because of the domino effect.  You poison the rat, the rat gets out and a cat or dog or owl (sob) gets him, kills him.  Possibly eats him.  That poor unsuspecting animal is now poisoned.  So way to not only have the rat's death on my head, I now have to jump off the bridge from the guilt of the innocent bystander.  But seeing that the steel wool was barely plugging the hole, and Audrey can't bring herself to kill a spider, let alone a rat, the poison was really a 'If you make it through that wool, would you like a nice little treat?  I made it myself...in hell.' gesture.  Also, my mom screamed, 'OH MY GOD!' when she saw the hole.  Didn't anyone teach her to lie to her newly home owner (who's broke and can't afford an exterminator) daughter?  I mean really.

Speaking of mom, I have my garden all fancy and done because of her.  For a good two hours we turned over dirt, dug ditches, filtered out the glass we kept finding (I was convinced we were going to find a body when I found a t-shirt tag) and by the end of the day I had my seeds planted, my seedlings transplanted.  It's amazing.  (You also know how much she isn't surprised by me anymore when she was giving me a 'how to plant a seed' tutorial and she told me to make long furrow in the dirt, place the seeds in, and cover it up I said, 'Oh!  Like putting a baby in the momma garden's vagina!'  And without hesitation she said, 'Yes.  Exactly like that.'  Nailed it.) 

Soon we'll have kale, lettuce, chives, and pumpkins.  Hopefully.  Unless the rats get them.  Or die in the garden and then I eat the food and then I DIE!!!! Gulp.

Monday, April 29, 2013

This Is the Place Dreams Go For Slashing Prices

I did it.  I drank the Walmart Kool-Aid.  (hangs head in shame)  I blame my procrastination and my HATE of waiting and not being able to multi task.  I've been putting off getting my oil changed for...let's just say, 'awhile' and that's 99% because I hate to take my car in for an oil change to a place and wait for HOURS.  I would normally just take my car over while at work and pick it up when I get off but work has been so absolutely insane that we're lucky to pee, let alone get 30 minutes to run an errand, so here I was.  At a cross roads.  Those cross roads were 'This Is Getting Ridiculous' street and 'Your Morals Aren't THAT Important' lane.  So today I was pondering where I could go that would give me the opportunity to get my oil changed and let me get flowers and such for my flower boxes that are empty but I need fill to give the illusion (to the dogs) that you can't walk over them to get out of the yard?  One word: Walmart. 

I haven't been to Walmart in months.  I only go when the situation is so dire I almost have no other choice.  The crowds, the lack of lanes open, the history of discriminating against women, minorities, gay people on their payroll (or off their payroll) and my very favorite: the dead peasant insurance policy (Google it.  It's a thing.) are the reasons I loathe that place.  But the number one on the list?  THEY DON'T DOUBLE COUPONS.  What's up with that?  I mean, I know Target doesn't either but they at least have their own coupons that you can stack with manufacturer's coupons.  And awesome clothing coupons...and now a Starbucks...SNAP OUT OF IT LEWIS!  YOU COULDN'T GO TO TARGET BECAUSE THEY WON'T CHANGE YOUR OIL, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU PUT THAT IN THEIR SUGGESTION BOX. GET OVER IT.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I need a dirty chai latte.  No.  No, that wasn't it....oh yeah!  So I pull into Walmart and I'm all like, it's going to be 5 hour wait, and I'm going to fall asleep in the waiting area with flowers covering me while I use the potting soil bag as a pillow.  But there's no line.  In fact, I get to pull right up to the bay with no waiting.  They're just trying to butter me up.  Then I get into the store that I plan to spend the rest of my day in, while I wait on my car.  Another reason why I hate this place?  This is my mind while I'm in the store:

 'Ok, I need flowers.  And soil.  Garden center it is.  OH! I need clothes pins.  And face cream.  $5 movies?! FOCUS ALLISON! GET TO THE GARDEN CENTER.  There it is...oh! I need a hose!  I'VE GOT HOSE, I'VE GOT HOSE...IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES, AREA CO-Ack.  Too expensive. Rakes! $5??  Yessss....  Pretty flowers.  Where are your price tags?  They must have rolled waaaayyyy back.  To free.  OOOOO...you're pretty.  So are you.  How do I choose?  Duck, duck...F-it.  I'm getting you all.  Do I smell hot dogs?  Mmmm...hot dogs.  I would kill for a dirty chai latte.  Those flowers were only $2.95??  Why didn't I get more?'

And so on, and so on...At this point I decided that I was done but only 30 minutes had elapsed.  GREAT.  *sigh*  Might as well go get my wait on.  And yes, I got lost trying to find the car center and yes, I ended up face to face with bows and arrows and rifles.  *GULP*  I finally found the car center, and just as expected, the guy that was waiting before me was still waiting.  But I don't see my car...Where is my car?!?!  IT'S BEEN STOLEN!!!  I LEFT MY LOWE'S COUPONS IN THERE!  THE THIEVES WILL NOW BE ABLE TO GET 10% OFF THEIR ENTIRE PURCHASE!  No wait, there it is.  In the lot.  Apparently it's done and all I have to do is pay.  This is a trick...isn't it?  Wait.  What's that hanging from my steering wheel?  A free diagnostic of my car battery?  But I didn't say I wanted that!  Maybe I don't want to know that my battery is in good shape and I shouldn't worry about replacing it anytime soon! 

Sneaky bastards.

So yeah, now Ruby's oil is clean and new, and my flower boxes are no longer empty, and my entire trip only took 30 minutes.  But I'm not happy about it.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Home, Home on the...Whitney Street...

Hi y'all!  It's been awhile...I know.  I haven't just been sitting idly by though, so I have lots to catch you up on.  I don't really know where to begin, so I'll just pick and place and start rambling. 

So we're (Audrey and myself) officially moved into our home and the week before we started getting busy with painting.  When I first showed pictures of the house to my boss, she made a comment about how I wouldn't be able to live with the kitchen floors.  They were/are awful but something I could live with for awhile.  What I needed to change immediately though were the cabinets.

yikes.


See what I mean?  They were wood adjacent with chrome fixtures.  I think I had the same cabinets in my studio apartment on Virginia Street.  So with some knowledge I had absorbed from the nice kid at Lowes and lots of help from my very loyal friend Nikki and my sister Andrea, we got that shit done in a week.

 
Yes, the refrigerator is pink and has chalk board doors now.  What of it?
 
 
 
I wanted the kitchen to make a statement.  That statement is, 'I have a uterus.'
 
 
 
Mission accomplished! Woo!  Now my second project was the yard...it is where weeds go to mate.  One of the things I'm most excited about having a house is being able to have a flower and vegetable garden, and I could already see where somewhere down the line there had been a garden in the back yard but do to neglect the yard had reclaimed it as it's own.  Having this entire weekend off I decided it was time to get a couple garden tools, plug in the iPod, and get to work.  Keep in mind all I have to work with is a small gardening shovel, a claw like handle tool that I got at the hardware store, and my bare hands. Easy peasy, right?  Ha!  After 2 hours, I had barely chipped the surface and I'm sure my neighbors were sick of hearing my rendition of  'Wannabe' and seeing my ass in the air.  Cut to borrowing a pick axe, hoe hybrid like tool from my mom and a few hours later I had my garden cut out. (That Xena call you heard echoing through the neighbor hood was not me.  I swear.)  It's far from done but it's an incredible start.  I can grow gummy bears, right?
 
THINGS I'VE LEARNED SINCE MOVING INTO MY OWN HOME
 
  • There is a way around having to sand down your cabinets before painting them.  It's called 'bonding primer' and it's my new boyfriend.  For $20, you can't beat it.
  • It will take you twice as long to put the cabinet doors back on than it took to take them down.  Resist the urge to kick them.  You just spent 3 days painting them.
  • Paint in your hair is the new highlights.
  • You will swear you are never moving again unless you become filthy rich so that you can hire movers.  Put that in writing, people.
  • Your second home will be Lowes.  Brush your hair for the cute contractors.
  • You only really need to like one of your neighbors...
  • I am too sensitive.  I realized this while I was over turning dirt and finding a number of Grubs (and yes, I only know what they were because of my vast knowledge of The Lion King) and worried that I was separating them from their family.  Seriously.
I've never been so dirty, sweaty, exhausted...and I love it.  Welcome home to me. :o)
 
Audrey thinks it's alright.
 
 
   

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

It's Not a Brick...House. But She is Mighty Mighty.

We've arrived!!!! Pictures of the new house will be posted at a later date.  Until then, here is a video of Audrey already hiding the family heirlooms.

video

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

It Was All But a Dream...

So things with the house haven't progressed at all and we've passed the 60 day mark, rounding the 90 day mark.  I know.  I KNOW.  It's taking everything in me not to have a mental break down or scream or cry.  And what do we do when we're stressed out?  Nap.  At least I do.  Did my nap today give my brain a break from the crazy life that comes with purchasing a home?  NOPE!  Thanks, ya jerk.  What it did was give me a home buying nightmare (are we sensing a theme?).  It was awful.  And I woke up praying it wasn't real.  Want to hear about it?  OKAY!  The following is what I can remember:

The house was in a mall.  There were no doors to the house whatsoever and all the walls were translucent plexi half walls.  There was a waterfall in the living room and 3 indoor pools (all surrounded by carpet! Yikes!) in the home.  Did I mention there was no kitchen?  Did I also mention it was in a busy mall and I was fighting back the crowds from entering my newly purchased home while screaming, 'WHERE DO I BUY DOORS?!' ?? Did I forget to mention Britney Spears was also there?  The sad part, the biggest thing that terrified me was the thought of having to pay that water bill.  My dream self was asking how to turn off the waterfall and the seller told me, 'Oh!  You don't want to turn that off.  It drowns out the mall noise.' 

And hopefully it will also drown out the screaming regret of buying the house that was in a mall.




P.S.- (Whispering) Pssst!  Guess what.  I have a date this Saturday.  I know, I just peed a little too.  Fingers crossed that it all goes well...also, he's the outdoorsy, super athlete type so that previous blog about me being totally against outdoor life is between us.  Also, I'll keep you posted.  Also, if he's reading this, we're talking about puppies.  I have a date with puppies.  Because that wouldn't be weird.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

I Shot Cupid (A Dirty Look)

UPDATES! UPDATES! UPDATES!

A few more tidbits on how to be less creepy on a dating site (Continued):

Be a gentleman.  Remember that rule?  An oldie but a goodie.  You should know it's always good manners to open doors, pull out chairs, wait out side the restaurant for your date so she doesn't look like an ass craning her neck while she tries to remember what your profile picture looks like...and not posting on your profile that you expect certain types of sex.  I understand that sex is part of a healthy relationship and I understand that you're just being honest.  I can appreciate that.  You should appreciate my honesty in return: in no way does this make me say, 'Hey! Let's date!'  It makes me think, 'You're a rude prick.'  Can't things evolve?  Do we have to automatically be thrown into the deep end of the pool?  It's 2013.  We're in the modern age and I'm a modern woman.  This does not mean that romance and allure should be dead and I'm not going to accept any different. (And then she slammed the door!)

You have kids.  Admit it.     Okay, so I'm looking for a unicorn.  That unicorn is a male past the age of 29 with no biological children attached.  I love kids.  I want kids.  But I'm not looking to step into a step monster role right away. (I am now singing 'Simple Kind of Life' in my head.)  With that said, I have specified on my profile that I'd like the 'baby filter'.  (Totally made that up.  Not really called that.  No hate mail please.)  You sneaky snakes have found a way around it though!  I have been matched recently with men who have their profile pictures with babies (suspect but not a smoking gun), it says they have no children, but when you scan down to what they're 'Thankful For' they list their CHILDREN. (AHA!)  Dude.  Please.  Just check that box.  It'll save you time AND (more importantly) me time.  But your babies are beautiful, congratulations on...that.  And stuff.

Okay, that's all I got.  I'll leave you with the song that's blaring in my head...

       

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp

Valentine's Day brings total anxiety to most people. 

Basically me every Saturday night.


I'd be lying if I said I wasn't one of them.  This anxiety mostly comes from the realization that high school never ends (as if you didn't know that already).  You know those magical moments where you had to witness countless girls (who were never you) get these huge, elaborate bouquets of flowers or chocolates or chocolate flowers.  And then they wear their huge, stupid grins on their faces for the rest of the day like they're the Queen of friggin' England.  WE GET IT!  YOU'RE BETTER THAN US!  I scream the same thing in my head even now when my co-workers get the same gifts and then some.  Someone I know got a singing telegram once! (Yes, I'm talking to you Becky.  I remember everything.)  So what's my point?  My point is, that no matter how much us single gals deny it, this holiday makes us do crazy things.  Such as: sending flowers to one's self, binging on obscene amounts of chocolate, or...joining a dating site.  I did the last one.  I know.  I KNOW.  I've done this whole dance before, and it's been fruitless but the crazy in me just won't let it go.  Which brings me to a few tips for those on online dating sites looking for potential mates.

TIPS ON HOW TO NOT CREEP PEOPLE OUT ON DATING SITES

Tip #1:  Actually show pictures of yourself.  I've seen profiles with no pictures, pictures of half faces (and not in an artsy way), pictures of their favorite cartoon hero.  I once came across a profile that stated he refused to post a picture because judging someone on their looks was wrong.  I'm putting that lightly.  He went on a 5 paragraph rant about how he just wants someone to love him for him and not judged on his looks.  He then spent 2 paragraphs describing what he finds physically attractive in women.  Which brings me to tip #2...

Tip #2:  Nothing says 'I'm a douche' more like taking shirtless pictures of yourself in the mirror while at the gym.  We get it.  You're fit.  You have muscles.  High five.

Tip #3:  If you're looking for a gal to run the miles or hike those trails with you, I ain't your girl.  I don't know if you paid attention to the picture of my chubby face or if you ignored the fact that my profile has subtle 'THERE IS NO WAY YOU WILL GET ME TO GO CAMPING WITH YOU' under tones, but I'm sorry to say I have no interest in becoming one with nature, no matter how much you think you might be able to convince me other wise.  That's not to say I won't go for walks with you, especially if Audrey comes along, just don't expect me to frisbee golf with you.  (But admittedly I have no idea what frisbee golf is.  I might like it.  I like frisbee...What?  I'm complex.)

Tip #4:  When viewing a girl's profile that professes the love of all animals, especially dogs, it's best not to start an email out with: 'If we get together and things get serious, you could never get a dog.  We could only have cats.  I hate dogs.'  You think this is fake.  It is not.  I actually got an email like this. 

Tip #5:  If you can afford to pay for an account on a dating site (which ain't cheap, lemme tell ya) you should also have a job.  If you're not independently wealthy or have a money tree no one knows about, please don't be surprised when you're not getting a lot of dates off of  'I don't have a job and I still live with my parents.  Also, I'm 45.'  Hard times fall on us all, I get it.  But maybe you should be saving the $200 for something more important and meet someone on the street.  Where it's free.  Except in that one part of town.

So in conclusion people, I'm in for some trouble and I've paid for a year's subscription, so I'm sure this blog is about to get a whole lot more interesting.  Or tragic.  YOU BE THE JUDGE! 

(Speaking of judging, my blog has hit over a 1,000 views! Thanks Mom!)

Happy Valentine's Day, Y'all!  And remember, you're not the only one in the world eating chinese food in your bed while watching the black and white pilot episode of The Walking Dead, with your dog on Thursday.  YA! YA!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I May Be Drunk on Apple Cider K-Cups

Are you feeling crappy and sinusy? (Is that a word? Spell check says no.)  Do you like Apple Cider K-Cups?  Do you like high fives?  Is your sister making you dinner right now?  If you answered yes to any one of these or all of these, I deem you awesome.  And because you're awesome you probably know there's a new episode of 'New Girl' on tonight.  Remember, this happened last week:

 
 
AHHHH!!!  I KNOW!!!  I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS!!! What?  You don't watch 'New Girl'?  What's wrong with you?  Seriously.  Do you just not like hilarity?  You must because you read this blog, so what's up?  START BEING AWESOME!  And put a dollar in the douch bag jar.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And that's basically the point of this blog today. BYYYEEEE!!!
 
 

Monday, February 4, 2013

Monday, January 28, 2013

Craft Mac n' Allison

Buying a new house really puts you in the mood to do crafty things.  And eat Doritos.  But don't do both at the same time because you'll get those nasty cheese fingers all over your crafts.  Unless that's what you're going for.  My first craft endeavor are these awful dressers Andrea gave to me when I moved into her home.  She bought them at K-Mart and boy, could you tell.  The bottom of the drawers were literally just card board.  That made it fun to put clothes in them.  Too many clothes and the bottom would fall out, so you're putting like 2 items of clothing in the drawers and now you need 50,000 drawers just for your sweat pants.  That's just counting your fancy sweat pants.  But of course, when I try to remove the inserts, they're like the best drawer bottoms ever that will never ever leave their beloved stupid drawers.

So I went to Lowes, with the card board inserts so that there would be no doubt in the measurements that I had written down, and got all the bottoms I needed.  I didn't splurge for the real ply wood.  That ply wood sheet was like $30!  These are $15 dressers!  For a set of 3!  So I got the fancy, faux ply wood that was only $8 a sheet. WOO!  Then I went home and installed the bottoms.  Then I waited 2 weeks before I decided to do anything else, because that's how I roll.  (What?  It's not like I'm on T.V. here)  When I did muster up the gumption to do more, I decided it was time for paint.  What kind of paint did I use?  The free kind.  Andrea had some white paint and I had paint color samples (that I got for free!  Did I mention free?!).

Instead of typing the follow process down, there should have just been a video.  Because it was hilarious.  The drawers weren't really an issue, they went pretty smoothly.  The dresser tho.  That bitch took 4 coats of paint.  And!  When I was doing awesome detail work, the paint on the entire top of the dresser just peeled right off.  Like an orange.  Did I mention this was into the 8th hour of painting?  Yeah....I had to walk away for the night.  But the next day I did a couple of coats on the top and called it done.  At least one of the three are.  Ugh!  There are 2 more!  I quit.  Just kidding.  Maybe next weekend...Oh!  Here are some before and after pics!

 
There it is.  Standing there all coy and ugly.
 
 
 
My awesome photography skills people.  The drawers are a mint green and the pull knobs are purple.
 
 
I was afraid my color scheme would scream, 'A 7 YEAR OLD GIRL PUTS HER CLOTHES IN HERE!'  But I dig it.  Suck it haters.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Does This House Come in Pink?

I have some terrible news.  I...am a grown up.  I know.  It came as a shock to me too.  The exact moment that it happened was when I decided to buy a house.  And then I did.  And like all grown up things, buying a house sucks.  My new mantra is that getting a marriage license should be as difficult as buying a house.  That makes me sound like I'm against marriage.  Which I'm not, I just think some people rush into it and then are surprised when they're divorced 2 years later.  And how easy is it to get a marriage license?  Like, $45 and a couple signatures?  Pssh.  You should have to do that AND pass an agility course.  With flaming rings to jump through.  While singing The Star Spangled Banner.  Backwards.  That's love people. 


I literally googled 'Flaming Hoop Jumping' to get this picture
                                          
Back to what I was saying: buying a house is hard and stressful and it's amazing what you learn along the way.  For example, I have learned that some house sellers are douche holes who's goals are not really to sell their house but to give you gray hair and then hit on you.  It's like kindergarten all over again.  And I won't name any names but if anyone is buying a home in Cross Lanes, shoot me an email with the address to see if I need to warn you, because I'm nice like that and would like to save you time and $450 on an inspection. 

I have learned that if you're a single lady looking to purchase a home, people who don't know you might wonder if you're a lesbian.  They can't just come out and ask it of course but their eye flares when asking seemingly innocent questions give it away.  "The second bedroom might be small but it's not like you're planning to use it right away, (eye flare) so you can cross that bridge once you come to it.  It IS just YOU moving in...right? (eye flare)  And that banister would be an easy fix for you or your...(eye flare) handy man.  Do you wear flannel shirts often?"  Okay the flannel shirt statement didn't happen but the rest of the sentence is accurate.  In 30 seconds they pointed out that I don't have any children, I am buying a house by myself, and that I'll either be butch enough to fix stuff or I'll have my girlfriend do it.  Some people might laugh and explain that there is not man in their life right now, but it doesn't really matter because they can fix things themselves.  How do I approach it?  By remaining silent and evading questions that would give any answers on the lesbian front because A.  it's none of their business if I'm straight or not, I'm still buying the damn house so who really gives a crap. and B.  because it's fun to watch nosey people squirm.


                                  
                                        I bet Beyonce doesn't have these problems.


I have learned that the bank lady might will judge you on your countless McDonald's purchases while she reads your past bank statements.  After a long enough pause you might be tempted to say, "But crack is so expensive these days."  or  "Do you really need that statement to see how much McDonald's I've been eating?  Come on.  This body wasn't gotten by yoga."  or possibly resort to a Chris Farley impersonation: "LAY OFF ME! I'M HUNGRY!!!"  But don't say those things because honestly you've brought the silent judging on yourself.  From now on just vow to only pay for those delicious meals in cash.

My fun house buying learning is far from over.  It's only in the beginning stages and I'm sure I'll have much more to add to the ever growing list that a home buying education is giving me but I'm in a holding pattern; waiting for things that are now out of my control.  Until then I will be blowing up Pinterest for DIY techniques, which let's face it, is much less annoying than women you follow that don't have a boyfriend but have 3 boards devoted to their wedding ideas.  And I will also be attending free classes at the ReStore to learn nifty things like how to install a ceiling fan and how to make sure the wiring in your home won't kill you.  Because as my best friend just pointed out, 'You sound pretty sexy when you're talking about construction.'
                                 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

An Awkwardly Single Conversation

The following is a conversation between friends. 


Me: 'We need to meet boys.  Well, I need to meet boys and I need a cool wing man who isn't going to steal said boys away because you're attached.  Foreseeable problem: I hate bars and we're both light weights.  Also, we hate people.

Nikki: 'That's exactly what I was thinking!!  Maybe we should troll movie theatres.'

Me: 'Foreseeable problem: 'The Hobbit' is out so we might actually meet trolls.'

Nikki: 'Damn.  Meeting dudes is hard.'

Me: 'Right??  I'm been single for (time frame left blank to protect the blogger's ego) ____.  Bars suck, I work with chicks, online dating is not only expensive both in time and money and it's typically fruitless, and I'm a hermit.  The only logical solution is being set up by friends but you all are either married, have no viable friends, or are too busy.  So thanks bitches.  Also Joseph Gorden Levitt needs to realize he loves me.'


(Nikki has not responded since my last comment.  I assume she's finding J.G.L.'s number for me.)