Monday, May 20, 2013

I Smell A Rat...

Holy crap y'all.  This.  Day.  So there has been this on going battle with the dishwasher.  The first day I went to use it, a river of water came flooding out.  Yay... But I have a home warranty that covers it so all I had to do was call and be at the beck and call of these Sears repairmen for going on...2 and a half months now.  It was always the wrong part was ordered or they would show up while I was still at work or they couldn't fit me in until weeks later.  But today!  Today was the day!  That damn machine was going to be fixed. 

The best repairman showed up bright and early and got straight to work.  And so did I...  While he was doing his thing I pulled weeds, put that weed eater to work, and when I saw clouds rolling in I grabbed the mower and took care of the stupid grass too.  Then the news came...apparently I have a rat problem.  You read that right.  A RAT PROBLEM.  Those f-ers chewed on the new wires of the new motor to the washing machine that was installed a month ago.  He even showed me the way they were getting in.  It was a hole the size of a Barbie dream house.  Cut to me getting on the phone and demanding all the rat poison in the world.  Just kidding.  But I did ask mom to bring some steel wool and some poison for back up. 

Now I'm against using poison because of the domino effect.  You poison the rat, the rat gets out and a cat or dog or owl (sob) gets him, kills him.  Possibly eats him.  That poor unsuspecting animal is now poisoned.  So way to not only have the rat's death on my head, I now have to jump off the bridge from the guilt of the innocent bystander.  But seeing that the steel wool was barely plugging the hole, and Audrey can't bring herself to kill a spider, let alone a rat, the poison was really a 'If you make it through that wool, would you like a nice little treat?  I made it hell.' gesture.  Also, my mom screamed, 'OH MY GOD!' when she saw the hole.  Didn't anyone teach her to lie to her newly home owner (who's broke and can't afford an exterminator) daughter?  I mean really.

Speaking of mom, I have my garden all fancy and done because of her.  For a good two hours we turned over dirt, dug ditches, filtered out the glass we kept finding (I was convinced we were going to find a body when I found a t-shirt tag) and by the end of the day I had my seeds planted, my seedlings transplanted.  It's amazing.  (You also know how much she isn't surprised by me anymore when she was giving me a 'how to plant a seed' tutorial and she told me to make long furrow in the dirt, place the seeds in, and cover it up I said, 'Oh!  Like putting a baby in the momma garden's vagina!'  And without hesitation she said, 'Yes.  Exactly like that.'  Nailed it.) 

Soon we'll have kale, lettuce, chives, and pumpkins.  Hopefully.  Unless the rats get them.  Or die in the garden and then I eat the food and then I DIE!!!! Gulp.

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